Lately I've been thinking a lot about the saying of what the definition of insanity is - Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It would more accurately be defined as the definition of human nature. It is so much easier to expect outside things to change so we don't have to - then we get frustrated when it doesn't. Or we may have great intentions to change - we can see we need to do something differently in order to get results we want. But then....a situation happens and we fall right back into repeating the same actions that just earlier we were determined to change. It is a struggle to not let outside actions, situations, circumstances to dictate how we respond and act.
CHANGE IS HARD
Too often change feels like a cruel hoax - if I work hard enough or simply want it bad enough it will happen. Or if I just keep doing the same thing, something else or someone else will change and then it will be perfect.
But then it doesn't happen.
So we run around yelling that we've been robbed. If someone just gave us the dang controller, it would all be better!!
Lets focus on relationships now as they are what has been the catalyst for me thinking about change. Any healthy relationship requires consistent thought and willingness to change. I'm not sure where the adage came from the a good relationship means I never have to change - the other person will simply accept me as I am and THAT is true love.
But that is only applicable with a Yes and No - going into a relationship with the expectation you will change the other person is a recipe for disaster. There are very few of us as people that enjoy that or will actually change in accordance. Too often we hold onto the fallacy that when the OTHER person changes THEN I will change. But change is necessary in every relationship.
A healthy relationship requires an ACTIVE desire by both people to change THEMSELVES to make things betters. It is very rare (so best not to think of yourself as the exception) that two people interact and can merge their lives together without adjustment and change on both sides. And it isn't that within the first couple of years of marriage you will have figured out your spouse or partner perfectly and so now you can abandon that active desire. Because life is never consistent and you will constantly face new obstacles and situations, you will see different and more complete views of your partner as life happens. Thus, there is a consistent need for change and adaptation.
What does and ACTIVE desire look like? How are you actively seeking to strengthen your relationships - whether friendships, marriage, family, etc?
Some thoughts on those questions -
* Be honest with yourself. What are some things you are doing that adversely affect the other person in the relationship? What can you do to change them? Don't fall into the trap of thinking of a list of things the other person needs to change FIRST.
The ONLY person you have control over to change is yourself!
*Actively seek to anticipate the needs of the other person. This will contribute to you being able to ACT instead of REACT to situations and interactions.
*Time is your friend. Change takes time. Relationships take time. Give you and the other person the space needed to make change, to work on being growing, etc.
*Impatience is your enemy. I feel like I know this better than anyone. I like to get things done and get them done NOW. So I don't wait very well which has led to alot of frustration and reacting instead of acting.
*Acting sometimes means waiting. LOLOL! Seems counter intuitive? I promise it isn't. Sometimes the best thing you can do for now is to set something to the side and leave. Or allow someone else the space to respond. Doesn't mean you completely stop moving forward or actively seeking - it just means in that one thing you do.
Relationships matter. Some of your most fulfilling times in life will come because of relationships. Be willing to give them the time and effort they deserve. Don't just grab the controller :)
