Ponderous Simplicity

Its no secret - I'm a people person. I like people and I like interacting and being around people. So given the importance I place on people, relationships of all kind are very important to me. And since I'm not married, friendships have the most focus and analysis. Over the last several months, after much pondering I've come to the conclusion that true friendship is fast vanishing. Let me share my thoughts :)

My first thought is that building strong close relationships is great practice for marriage. Obviously, there are certain things reserved only for marriage and that you can only experience within marriage. However, forming close emotional ties and being able to focus on the welfare, struggles and concerns of someone else need not only happen in marriage. And in fact, I think one of the largest contributing factors to the high divorce rate is that so many couples go into marriage having no idea how to focus on someone other than themselves. And as President Hinckley said -"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of ones companion." And that is what I think it comes down to - anxious concern for another person.

So since I'm an English major lets break this down: the definitions that apply for anxious are #1 - earnestly desirous; eager #2 - attended with or showing solicitude. The definition for concern is #1 - to relate to; be connected with; be of interest or importance to; affect. Basically then, you are you want or desire earnestly to relate to, connect with, and show your interest in the other person. Should this anxious concern only be reserved for marriage?

After much pondering and deliberation the personal answer I've come to is no. I think encompassed in this concept President Hinckley is talking about is charity - the pure love of Christ. I think you could say charity = the anxious concern for another. In looking at the definition that is what Christ does/has done for each of us. He is earnestly desirous that we succeed in this life and through other people and His many tender mercies he shows that He relates to us, is connected with us, and that we are of interest and importance to Him. And last time I checked, the scriptures and the principles of the gospel don't reserve charity only for marriage.

Charity is about three things though - saying, doing, and being. Just as with the gospel - we don't believe by just saying we accept Christ that we are saved - there is action required. We say we love the Lord, but then we must go and do, which helps us to become. The same applies to any type of relationship - saying "I love you or I care about you" only means so much. As the famous saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." I show the Lord I love Him by following what His commandments, striving to become like Him, serving others, etc. I show people that I love or care for them by and anxious concern for them - what is going on in their lives, anything I can do to share a little cheer on a bad day, or something I can do that makes life easier for them. This helps me become a better person, and also enables me to truly love them - because as the scripture says -"How can a man know (love) a master whom he has not served."

Thus, this doesn't come down to personality differences. That is the things I've probably heard the most - "Oh that is just your personality." I suppose it can be a personality thing - but it should be a personality trait we are all striving for them since we are all trying to become like the Savior. We may not exhibit it in EXACTLY the same way, but "anxious concern" is simply looking out for someone else - how they are feeling, what is going on with them, what they might need help with, then DOING something about it. Not fixing things for them but showing your concern and support when there isn't anything else you could really do. But sometimes there are things you can do to make a difference - are you looking for those opportunities?

So the question becomes - why is friendship in this form vanishing so fast? The main reason I see is selfishness, which is the care and concern mainly or primarily for or about oneself. I think this goes on very subtly that often we don't even recognize it. But think of a relationship that is important to you - when was the last time you were anxiously concerned about this person - and what did you do about it? This anxious concern for other people requires a bit of effort. It requires us to look outside ourselves and make someone else's needs as important (notice I didn't say more important)as our own. It also makes us more vulnerable - a state or feeling most of us despise. Because the more deeply you love or care about someone the more power they have to hurt you. And that can be a very scary thought.

A quick example - yesterday at Church I had to leave Relief Society early because I had a Stake meeting to go to. I didn't tell anyone why I was leaving early because the lesson had started. So I just got up quietly and left as silently as possible. My friend Megan sent me a text later that afternoon, joking that hopefully I had gone to get doughnuts or something equally fabulous. Of course, given it was the Sabbath I had not gone to get doughnuts or anything but I appreciated her #1 - Noticing I had left and #2 - Showing that anxious concern as to why I left because I don't usually leave any Church meeting and I do enjoy RS. Then later in the day because we had not had any time to chat and I had hoped to talk to her at Ward Prayer to see what had been going on with her the last week, she knew that Ward Prayer is often a time we chat so she kindly sent me a text telling me she wasn't going to be there. Did she have to do either of these things? Of course not. I wouldn't have been severely scarred or anything but it shows that anxious concern for someone else and it is one of the things I most appreciate about her. She lets me know she cares by those little things - she doesn't just say she is my friend she SHOWS it.

Ultimately, I feel to truly become like the Savior requires that we work to establish this type of anxious concern across all our relationships - familial, romantic, and friendship. I think as we don't just give lip service to the doctrine of charity, our relationships will begin to be transformed - we will not only feel better about ourselves (remember as is said - when you serve others it almost always helps you to feel better about yourself) but we will also have stronger relationships. Charity has a way of expanding our souls and making everything seem a little better - isn't this what we all want?