Ponderous Simplicity

Have you ever thought of yourself as broken?

I've thought alot about being broken the last year or so. Mostly because that is how I've felt at times - very broken. Broken in the sense of not working correctly. Broken in the sense of feeling shattered. Broken in the sense of not functioning properly.

We're all broken is some or multiple ways. Broken in our perspective of the world. Broken in our perspective of other people. Broken in how we love. Broken in who we love. Broken in how we love ourselves. Broken in how our bodies function or don't function. Broken in how our bodies work.

Sometimes we are broken because of choices we've made. Often, it is because of the choices of others' that affect us.

Growing up in the LDS Church I never really thought about being broken. Talking about brokenness is not something I really experienced in church. But one of the definitions of broken that I think encompasses all the other definitions is: "not complete or full." This definition fits fully within the doctrines of the Fall, our mortality and human nature. We believe that we aren't complete or full and won't be until after this life - after the resurrection and through the power of the Atonement. We are striving for perfection, which by definition is "complete or whole."

But it's interesting because broken does not have a good connotation and definition in our society. When something is broken, we very often get rid of it or throw it away. Broken lowers the value of something in our eyes or estimation. Basically broken is not a good thing.

So why does it matter to think of yourself as being broken?

The last couple of years I've gone through a broad range of thoughts, emotions, conclusions as I thought of myself as broken. There were times I felt worthless or of little value because of my brokenness. There were times of despair and heartache that my brokenness was affecting my everyday life and my relationships with others. There was a period where I felt very angry with God that after months and years of praying for help overcoming or to be healed it seemed that prayer was going unanswered. Other times I felt I should just embrace my brokenness and allow that to define who I was, how I lived my life and the choices I made in my life.

The world tells us either that we are worthless because we are broken, or since all of us are broken in some ways or others, today it is often - "That is just who you are. You aren't broken. Embrace and live it." It is a very alluring message - we all want to feel valued and that we aren't less because of our brokenness. But it causes us to miss out on the potential for much, much more.

One of my all times favorite thoughts is:

We are immortal beings having a mortal experience.

Our brokenness is a large and major part of our mortal experience. Our Heavenly Father allowed all of us to be broken because it wouldn't be easy. It would present a real and often difficult choice - would we still strive to follow Him and become like Him even with our brokenness? Would we allow our brokenness to define who were are and thus distance ourselves from Him? It would present a veritable test for all of us.



And the thing that often makes it more difficult - God has the power to heal our brokenness. For some of us, in some things, we will experience that healing power in this life. For others, we haven't yet and may never in this life. There was a time in my life where I felt that was so unfair. I felt that perhaps I was then beyond the power of the Atonement since my hours and hours on my knees, sobbing and asking for healing, which hasn't happened.

Because of that there was a time I did consider going a different direction (To Leave The Church or Not). Of turning from God instead of to Him. But I've learned some things in the ensuing months - I'm not less in God's eyes because I'm broken. That it is very possible I will deal with the most difficult aspects of my brokenness for my entire life. But that my brokenness does not define who I am - it is a part of mortality but I am only a mortal being right now. So who do I want to be in the eternities when my complete and full nature is revealed in the resurrection?

I want to have sought daily to be more like the Savior. That is what I want to embrace - my efforts to allow my nature to slowly be molded over time to become truly like Him. To gain characteristics and attributes that are only possible to gain through much struggle and trial. I want my brokenness to direct me to Him and that power of the Atonement, which may not heal me right now or in this life, but daily can give me the strength to change and become better. And that means that right now, I have to give up some things I think I want right now, for what and who I want to be in the eternities - even when I'm not sure exactly how it will look or things will work out.

But something I know beyond a shadow of a doubt - some how they will and it will be more glorious and magnificent than I can even imagine. And the things I "gave up" in this life, won't feel like I gave anything up.