Ponderous Simplicity

I need to tell you a story. Just over 3 years ago I wrote a very personal post. I talked about my journey and decisions about what direction I was going in my life (you can read the post here). Alot of things have happened in 3 years - heartache, learning, growth, and some very tender mercies. One thing that hasn't changed is what I wrote about in my blogpost 3 years ago. One of the most important and valuable things in my life is the gospel and my membership in the Church. Part of the journey of the last 3 years though has also been trying to find my place, to figure out what life will look like with the current reality that I live with and experience.

But let’s start with the happy news. I'm dating someone!! It's really exciting to me and a very happy thing.

She is an amazing person and has blessed my life greatly in a short amount of time. Yes, I said she.

But this isn't a "coming out," as personally I don't believe in that (no disrespect to anyone that has felt that was an important part of their journey. It just isn't for me). My identity is the same as it was 5 minutes ago before you read this post - I still simply identify as me, Cherilee Howden, who often overthinks things, is loyal, almost to a fault, tries to live and be better every day and has a VERY strong testimony of the Church and gospel but I've come to fully accept, at least this point in my life, I am not able to connect with men. I understand at least part of the reason for that, and despite alot of efforts it hasn't changed. I’ve decided though to be open about what’s going on for me. Nothing is worst than feeling the need to hide or lie about who you are with or what’s going on in your life.

However, this is a hard thing to talk about - I wish it wasn't such a difficult thing to be able to say. However, I have spent hours contemplating, praying, and working to find a space that works for me.

I know some of you will not understand or agree with my decision. I get that. I hope though that most of you will either take the time to talk to me to understand my whole story and where I'm at instead of making assumptions, or just avoid making assumptions altogether, as hard as that may be. I'm grateful for those people who I initially told who were all very kind and supportive (whether or not they agreed) and wanted to know where I was coming from and what led to my decision. And at times they asked hard questions. I'm not afraid of hard questions - I'd rather hard questions than blind assumptions. But to answer a few questions most of you probably have -

Are you leaving the Church? 

I have no intention of leaving the Church. I have a strong, firm testimony of the gospel and the Church and work hard to continue to strengthen that testimony and honor my covenants. I do think there needs to be and can be a space for those trying to live the gospel and honor their covenants to date, even if it is someone of their own gender. The important thing is living according to our covenants and honoring the law of chastity.

What does that mean for your future?

Hopefully, a lot of happy memories! But obviously, continuing to strive to live the gospel puts some difficult limits on the relationship. It can never progress past a dating relationship without compromising covenants I have made. I understand, recognize and accept that. There is something still supportive and connecting in a dating relationship that cannot be found in other types of relationships. I realize for some it doesn't seem fair it cannot progress and not jeopardize membership in the Church. However, despite my reality and ability to connect, I have a firm testimony of marriage between a man and woman. I have no idea how it is all going to work out in the next life, but because I know God loves His children - more than we can every really fully understand in this life, I do know it will work out somehow. And what I can do, is live according to His commandments now, to the best of my ability.

I also know it isn't fair - I see that as clearly as anyone. But at this point I also understand, life isn't fair - for anyone. I often think of this quote from Elder Renlund - "If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair. … Through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.” Because of the Savior the gospel brings more to my life than anything else every could, so I hold to the promises of the Lord and am trying my best to live according to the promises I've made. 

Why are you sharing this now? 

As I said above, alot of things have happened in the last few years that have made me look at myself, my circumstances, what I want most, how I can create a space for deep connection and a relationship within my strong testimony of the gospel. And I can see very clearly, how the Lord's hand has guided the whole situation and for there to be that possible space within the Church that has never seemed to be available before. So I wanted to share my experience and testimony. Too many are leaving the Church because it feels as if there is no space or place for them. I do not think we compromise on the Lord's teachings and commandments but I think we can do so much better and offering compassion, staying out of judgment of what we think someone is or isn't doing in living the gospel and let others know there is a place for them. We let them live their lives and support and encourage all to live the gospel fully and offer empathy and compassion.

What do you hope for, for anyone reading this?

I definitely hope for kindness towards myself but also others. I really would love to see in the Church a change of attitude towards anyone that we see as being different. I think we all can understand the desire to belong, to connect deeply with someone, to have a place and to receive kindness and compassion. We are all on a journey, making mistakes along the way, trying learn, repent, and become more like the Savior. I would hope we can all work to be less judgmental and focus on how we ourselves can live the gospel more fully and simply share love and encouragement to others to do the same. And I hope we can all strive to leave assumptions at the door - they have no place in the gospel, in our wards and in our homes. Lets create a space where we stand for truth as the Savior always did but also always showed love.