One thing there has been alot of uproar about, from many people and perspectives is what happened at BYU with the Honor Code. I'm not going to debate what actually happened as it really is impossible for any of us to know the full scope behind the original decision and changes made, the interpretations of the changes and the subsequent clarification. BYU is a private school and does have the right to set what standards it requires for students to attend and each student gets to decide whether or not they want/will live by those standards. However, I do wish things had been handled differently, which could have led to alot less difficulty on all sides. The blame and accusations have been flying as well as plenty of name calling. Whether or not you thought the changes meant that same gender couples could now date and express affection as BYU students, can we think for a moment why students may have had that interpretation? Regardless of your personal beliefs, empathy encourages us to simply think of something from someone else's position and understanding and then connect with what emotions they would feel in that position.
Yes, I know as BYU students they signed the Honor Code and agreed to live by it. I know that an underlying core doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that marriage is between a man and a woman and that exaltation is to become like God with eternal families based on marriage between a man and a woman. Despite my personal feelings and my experience I do have a strong testimony of those doctrines, even though I have no idea what that means for me.
What I would hope is that regardless of our personal beliefs, that we can take a moment to think about how that FEELS - for anyone and everyone?
I know many members of The Church feel attacked - they feel the LGBTQ community is trying to destroy the family. To force changes that go against underlying doctrine. I can understand the fear in that, or the anger or the frustration.
I can also understand the hope felt with the changes to the Honor Code after potentially years and years of turmoil trying to understand feelings and attractions you have when many in something you consider to be part of yourself and a core piece of your identity call you evil, or broken or that if you just had enough faith or prayed better, harder, more, that God would "fix" you, to then think that maybe there was finally some space for you to try and live the gospel but also have love and companionship without hiding, shame or fear.
Can we all take a moment to think about how things feel from another's perspective and feeling? And seek for more understanding and empathy instead of name calling and pointing fingers, since unless we ask, listen and empathize we can never truly or fully have any understanding of someone else's motives or intent.
So lets talk about fear for a minute - so much of what happens in our society these days is all based on fear. And when fear is present in us, we cannot respond with empathy because fear makes situations or someone else's experience about ourselves. I read a very interesting article about tolerance yesterday that summed up so well much of the currently difficulties I feel we face especially in the LGBTQ community in connection and conjunction with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And addressed an underlying reason that fear seems to be such a ruling emotion in our society and discussions.The article defines the more "original" definition of tolerance as - "To accept that a different or opposing position exists and deserves the right to exist; to accept the position itself means that one is no longer opposing it." However, there is a more current definition in which tolerance is defined as acceptance of all beliefs - meaning there is no ABSOLUTE truths - your truth is a valid as my truth and one is intolerant if there is any claim of absolute truth.
"Tolerance in the first sense is an intellectual and spiritual virtue because it requires that we acknowledge that we do not necessarily have a monopoly on the truth. We dare not inhibit the expression of other ideas because humility insists that these might teach us something of value—or show us something we might be missing. And, even if we see ourselves as having an important truth to share with the world, an ethic of tolerance provides protection—in principle, at least—from being illegitimately silenced by others. This classic view of tolerance, then, assists in the crucial exchange of competing truth claims."
We have become so afraid of the "crucial exchange of competing truth claims" that we either resolutely claim any differing views are intolerant and any one who tries to state this competing claim is hateful, bigoted, etc. or we try to distance ourselves from the competing claim by standing on our moral high ground or soap box and throwing things to "knock someone out or knock some sense into them."
Empathy requires the "original" definition of tolerance because with empathy we aren't afraid of competing truth claims. We can hold to our truth while kindly and empathetically listening and identifying with (not necessarily agreeing with) someone else's perspectives and feelings. We tap into ourselves and the difficult emotions we all have experienced at some point, even if it was in different circumstances. We listen. We seek understanding.
We open ourselves to feeling what they are feeling.
And that is the scariest part I think. We run from difficult emotions in our own lives so much, we can't possibly even think about being present for someone else's difficult emotions. So we shame. Or call names. Or point fingers. All to distance ourselves from these difficult emotions.
Will you do something for me? Will you click on this link and watch this video from Brene Brown and think about how you can strive for empathy. To be willing to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.
If change is ever going to happen, we must start here. I feel such sadness in how things are with the LGBTQ community and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have had so many thoughts about my place as a member of The Church given the reality of my experiences, but I have also had many defining and spiritual experiences that have given me a firm testimony of the gospel. So I hope to be part of creating a space for all where we can give empathy to those around us and not respond and react in fear to "competing truth claims" as we all strive to live, learn and love the Lord, ourselves and those around us.
If you are wondering if there is a place for you in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is! There are people who are striving to live the gospel, honor their covenants and have relationships that uplift and encourage in that, even if we don't know what that will mean for us after this life - we are creating and holding that space. Can we see others as trying to do the best they can with their reality of life? Instead of pushing others out or away, can we take a moment to think how it must feel - ask and listen to each other's stories and perspectives and efforts to live and to live the gospel. None of us have a moral high ground to stand on, except the Savior and while He was and is love He also asked us to become more than we are and to become like Him.
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