Ponderous Simplicity

This a fascinating question to me. I am fascinated by the implications of the question and the uncomfortableness experienced by people when asked to consider or answer the question. 

Can we feel empathy for the unworthy or those that aren't innocent? 

I have two experiences and an example I wanted to share that engage this question and thought. 

As many of you know, I got married in September. As most of you know, I'm also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When it first was said or come to be known that I was dating my wife, for many my "worthiness" in their eyes suddenly changed. Shortly before we began dating officially, I had been released as the Relief Society President after serving 2 1/2 years. The timing was coincidental, but there were numerous comments about why I had been released. Then when we announced and got married, for some who had navigated the whole dating choice, their view of my worthiness changed drastically. 

I understand why it was a struggle for some - it was a struggle for myself and for my wife Jess. It was not a decision made lightly or easily, but there are reasons we made the decision we did. I am beyond appreciative for those that took the time to talk to us or me about our decision. And in the whole experience, I experienced something I realized up until that point I had never truly understood. 

One reason that we perhaps are afraid of empathy is we think showing love, kindness, listening and striving for understanding equals agreement. I've experienced this feeling myself. And when someone is making a choice, especially within the Church that we don't agree with, the cultural norm has become to let them know that we do not agree. To get on our soapbox and preach to them of what is right. And make it known that we DO NOT AGREE with their choice(s). 

I expected to receive that reaction a lot especially when we decided and began to announce we were getting married. There were a number of people in my life, people that had been great influences on my life, that I looked up to or considered lifelong friends, that I wasn't sure how they would react. I was worried that suddenly I would become unworthy or unlovable in their eyes, having committed a "huge" sin. 

Then something amazing happened with some of these people. Many reached out in kindness, offering words of love, understanding, kindness and good wishes. I felt their love. 

And then one day, a couple months after the wedding I realized something - many that had expressed good wishes, love, kindness, support and understanding, I had no idea what their stance was on same-sex marriage. I had no idea whether they agreed with it or not - they had simply shown empathy, love and kindness without feeling the need to give a commentary on whether or not they felt I was worthy. 

What is amazing is that wasn't what was important to them. Somehow they seemed to intuitively know it was a difficult choice and would continue to be difficult at times. They could be happy without telling me whether or not they agreed, or getting on a soapbox. Empathy isn't about right or wrong - it is about love. 

That leads to my other example. A couple weeks ago, Jess and I watched a TV show on the Unabomber. I remember vaguely when the events were actually going on, but they weren't super close to me and so I admit I didn't even know most of the facts around the case or the man who was eventually caught and convicted. But the show illustrated not only the pain and suffering of the victims but also some of the life experiences of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. I couldn't help but feel sorrow and sadness for him and the things he had experienced. Of course, I can't in anyway justify what he did and excuse it because of the things that happened to him. But I can still feel empathy and love for the suffering of any other human being, without attaching criteria as to whether or not someone deserves that love. 

And lastly, one example I thought of when considering this question came from watching the movie The Chosen. If you haven't watched it, I recommend it. The movie focuses on Christ before and during His ministry. One of the Gospel writers was Matthew, and the movie gives us some additional things to think about in regards to Matthew that we don't get from the Bible from a cursory reading. One is that he was a publican. The Jews HATED the publicans. Probably as much if not more than the Samaritans. And the movie portrays Matthew as being very quirky or unique and not liked or respected even by his people. Perhaps he was, perhaps he wasn't - that isn't really what is important. What is important is how the movie portrays the Savior acting and interacting with Matthew. And as the Bible also tells, Matthew becomes one of the Savior's disciples. Someone the Jews would have considered unworthy and not innocent - he became one of the disciples. If anyone is an example of empathy, it is Jesus Christ - the ultimate innocent that still loves and reaches out to us, despite, in this case, our complete unworthiness and lack of innocence. 

The irony of the question is that we are all not innocent or worthy to a certain degree. We make mistakes - every single one of us. Yet, we often struggle to view others' mistakes with empathy, to not judge and to treat them kindly.

Perhaps because it reminds us of our own mortality. Our inability to avoid our own mistakes. So we view others and make a judgment on what we perceive to be their worthiness or unworthiness of our kindness, empathy and love. Do we let ourselves feel better by others' mistakes because we aren't making them or making as "big" of mistakes? 

Empathy requires that we tap into those hard emotions inside ourselves - to sit with someone in sorrow, shame, sadness, rage, and hopelessness. It isn't "pleasant" but it can be life changing for all of us. My hope is that we would all seek to feel empathy even for those we may initially think don't deserve it because one day that may be us.

But do we avoid thinking about it, talking about it or engaging in it to keep from feeling those difficult emotions? We stay "safe" in our judgment of others' worthiness or innocence because we never truly feel and engage with others. And we lose something truly valuable to ourselves and our society.

My hope is that we can all work to take the time to feel with others - to recognize our initial reaction to judge worthiness and withhold our kindness or love to soothe our consciences and avoid truly feeling those emotions that may be difficult. If we really want to change the world and ourselves, THIS is the first step.