Ponderous Simplicity

Language is so fascinating - it is one of the reasons I majored in English and why I loved critical theory. Most people don't think very deeply about how they use language and even how language uses them (read Life of Pi and come talk to me and I will show you how language used you :P). Back in my undergrad I took a class on madness in literature - it was one of the most interesting classes I took my entire undergrad career and I took a lot of classes. That class in combination with a class I took called the Philosophy of Language forever changed how I view language.

But I've been thinking about the power of language alot since I read an article yesterday - http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2013/05/elizabeth-smart-and-psychology-of.html that illustrates very clearly the power language has and how it affects how we view, conceptualize and even ultimately FEEL about things. With all words, the society we live in tends to assign meaning to words - cat only means that smallish furry creature we call cat because our society has designated that words means cat. The animal itself is not an inherent part of that word. The difficulty with this is that when you assign or accept a societal definition of a word you accept all the meaning that has been assigned to that word. Take the word 'pure' for example as discussed in the above article - many of us have taken on the common definition that pure means without contamination and that once something is contaminated it cannot become uncontaminated. And because of the contamination the inherent value becomes less.

I know this mindset and acceptance of this definition persists in the LDS culture we live in when I worked and interacted with victims of rape in Utah County. Rape is still associated with a loss of chastity and a loss of chastity with contamination. This effects how people view victims of rape but also how rape victims feel about themselves - Elizabeth Smart talked about this how one of the reasons she didn't try to escape - she felt as if she were worthless now and that no one would want her anymore including her family and/or a future spouse. Imagine how debilitating that thought process is and how one of the foundational reasons is language and the accepted definitions we have for a word like 'pure.'

I also have thought about the words 'gay', 'lesbian' or 'same-sex-attraction' and the meaning and definition in the LDS culture specifically and the power those words have been given. One of the most interesting things I've thought alot about in regards to these words is how people have come to be defined mainly by what we term their sexual orientation. Suddenly that word is the biggest defining term about them? And in this I think 'attraction' is a word that should require a bit of examination as to what society has done with that word. The societal definition and meaning of 'attraction' has become almost entirely sexual - if I'm attracted to someone it means I'm attracted sexually. But there are many types of attraction and some have nothing to do with a sexual attraction. I think because of this alot of what is termed 'same-sex-attraction' has nothing to do with sex or sexuality.

I personally am more attracted emotionally to women - and as some of you read that last line you probably feel a strong negative reaction. Why? Because most of us accept the definition for attraction means something sexual. However, attraction is a feeling of connection or being drawn to something or someone. So since I find it easy initially to connect with other women emotionally then I would feel a connection or be drawn to women emotionally before men. This shouldn't be surprising - it has been proven many times over that women need other women and that most often that is because of the ability of women to connect emotionally with other women. Men (for the most part) don't function the same emotionally as women.

It has often been a confusing journey to understand this about myself because of the definition and meaning that society has given the word 'attraction.' It has been forgotten or no longer considered that a big reason we build friendships or friendships happen with certain people and not others is because of attraction - we are attracted to some people or have a greater ability to connect with some people vs. others. This has been lost in the whole 'same-sex-attraction' definition.

One quick sidebar - that doesn't mean I'm ignoring or trying to marginalize in any way that there are numerous people of both genders that are attracted sexually to those of the same gender. I'm just stating that I think some of the time that isn't what is happening but people move that direction because they accept the overarching definition and meaning society has placed on that word.

Ultimately, one reasons I loved my English classes the focused on critical theory was because they focused on helping us to identify and understand that language is a structure and that as I said above - the meaning and definitions we accept for words affect how we think, respond and FEEL about situation we encounter and experience. There are numerous things in this world that could be changed for the positive if we examined, understood and worked to change what definitions we give power in our life.

In all fairness I do have to say that the "menace to society" quote attributed to Brigham Young cannot actually be found anywhere and so he may not have even said it :P But even if it is one of the "Mormon Myths" I still find it funny, and being a LDS woman who is 31 and unmarried if that quote was real I imagine it would be applied to me in some way :P

Regardless, my YSA years have taught me ALOT and I wanted to share some of those things. So lets have a list - we all love lists, right? :P

#1 - People are more important than things
A few weeks ago in fast and testimony meeting my RS President actually said this and I realized how strongly I agreed with her and realized that my single years have helped me to really understand this. What brings us the most lasting happiness, helps us to learn and grow, and ultimately become more Christ-like is our interactions and how we treat other people. It isn't the activities we necessarily participate in (obviously activities we do can teach us things and activities we participate in can affect our ability to have the companionship of the spirit, etc.) but the interactions with people in those activities and as we try and decide how we will spend out time. And because everyone is different, every single person will push us and challenge us in different ways and can help us grow and become better.

#2 - Give people the benefit of the doubt
Elder Holland said it well - "Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." This has been a struggle for me - I'm a very black and white person so when I could see it wasn't for Reason 'A' it was just natural to assume it HAD to be for Reason 'B'. A good friend has helped me to be able to focus on the good and to give people the benefit of the doubt especially those I care about. In any relationship if I look for the bad I will find it - ALWAYS. You can always find what you are looking for. So now I say to myself - what do I know about this person? What are some of the happy times and times that show me this person cares and wouldn't be doing anything purposefully to be hurtful in anyway. Helps me not to jump to Reason 'B', which can I tell you has made things alot better. Just a caveat though - I worked with domestic violence for over 3 years, so in saying "look for the good" that never means to discount or ignore abusive behavior.

#3 - Everyone has hidden hurts and struggles with something that seems to much to bear
This has been a big one for me to really learn and understand. It is amazing how really struggling yourself makes you more aware that even though you don't see it or ever even talk about it with someone that EVERYONE has those things they've experienced that have stretched, hurt, and been the cause of many tears just like I have. Makes me want to be more kind to others, but also more available to reach out to others. I've also realized some people are REALLY good and putting on a front that everything is perfect. I in  no way criticize people that are able to do this - I say it because it was easy in the past to think that they had no problems and their life was easy. That is never the case - everyone has struggles and though their struggles may be something that comes easy to me, it doesn't mean it isn't a struggle to them.

#4 - When you hurt, don't be afraid to cry
Life isn't easy and sometimes it really hurts - I HATE to cry as much as anyone but I've realized how important crying is and that when I hurt it is a GOOD time to cry and helps me to feel better. And I've realized in general that I do value all the emotions that I'm able to experience even hurt and sadness because I've realized that if I hurt or am sad it means I've invested in someone or something and I think that is so important. Especially investing in people, which often is the source of alot of pain, is also one of the greatest sources of happiness. So don't be afraid to cry when life hurts!

#5 - The Lord never gives us more than we can bear
And last but not least I've learned this even though it has been a hard lesson. I pray to grow and become better - in fact this is something I pray for everyday. Sometimes I laugh at myself when I'm really struggling and think - "Why do I pray for that!?!" Life is SO hard. But I have learned so much in those times and years of struggle and everytime I've made it through with the Lord's help. I feel like I've been stretched and stretched and stretched until I'm going to break and have no more stretch but when the next pull comes, as I turn to the Lord and plead for His help, somehow there is just a little more stretch for that moment. And then when it is all done I can look back and see a different persepctive because of what I've experienced. Hilary Weeks did a song in her last album that sums this up perfectly -

I know alot has been said in the past few weeks about equality and same-sex marriage. I've read ALOT of posts with different perspectives and have been mulling in my mind what I felt I had to contribute to the conversation. As you see I didn't jump in very quickly to offer my two cents - and perhaps the horse is dead but I feel I have something to add. I have thought ALOT about these topics and while I have very strong opinions and beliefs, I also have a strong love and/or strive for that love for all people regardless of differing beliefs. So my disagreement with choices and others beliefs does not mean I do not care about them as people - but I feel it is important for me to express what I believe and speak out for what I see as wrong BEHAVIOR.

Lets start with same-sex marriage and why they Church is asking members to stand against it. There are alot of reasons and many different points and perspectives shared. But the other morning I thought of one of my all-time FAVORITE talks/trainings I've heard. And it was Sister Beck's training done with Institute and Seminary teachers a few summers ago. It was POWERFUL and was such a tool in shaping and strengthening my testimony of the family. I recommend everyone read the training that hasn't but I wanted to focus on just one statement she said that blew me away at the time and I've never forgotten.

She said - Anti-Christ is antifamily. Any doctrine or principle from the world that is antifamily is also anti-Christ. It’s that clear. They need to know that if it’s antifamily, it’s anti-Christ. An anti-Christ is antifamily.

This is one of the biggest reasons the Church is against same-sex marriage. Before anyone freaks out too much, give me a chance to explain :)

First - Yes in Church doctrine same-sex marriage is anti-family. As the Family: A Proclamation states, marriage is ordained between a man and woman. This isn't because it was a societal norm at one time, or even that there is research out there that shows kids do better in a home with a father and mother. But because the doctrine of the family and an underlying doctrine of the entire plan of salvation is that after this life we will live eternally as families, becoming Gods and Goddesses who create their own worlds and offspring. Last time I checked the only way for two people to procreate is when it is a man and a woman. I think sometimes we forget what the eternal plan is, which is why the Church stands firm on this issue.

So why is anti-family, anti-Christ. Well lets break down the role of the Savior. He came to this earth to live, set the example, serve those around Him and ultimately perform the Atonement so we can all gain salvation and exaltation. Exaltation is about eternal families and about what I mentioned above. So when we fight for a doctrine that is anti-family within the definition of family in Church doctrine, we are fighting against the Savior and all that He lives for and did for us. THE point of this earth and our lives here is ultimately about eternal families and the procreation of spirit children. Thus, the point of what the Savior did is about that as well. Thus, when we fight against the family, we fight again the Savior.

So yes, anything anti-family IS anti-Christ and vice verse. Too often I think we forget that when we take out one doctrine of the Church it does exist in isolation - our thoughts and beliefs about one doctrine are inexplicably tied to all other doctrines and when we say one thing about one doctrine we implicitly are saying things about all other doctrines in the Church. It is all connected together!

Now let me address equality as this has become a main header in the argument of same-sex marriage - that it is about equality.

But what is equality??

I think this is the million dollar question not addressed very often. Too often in the world and our definition, equality means sameness. But equality cannot be about sameness because there are very few things in this world that are exactly the same - and when we are talking about people there are no two people exactly the same.

So as I was thinking about this the other day I realized that equality cannot truly exist without truth - those truths that are absolute. Lets use for example, men and women. Much of feminism has fought for equality for men and women. But that equality most often takes the form of women being treated, becoming like and adopting the ways of men. How is that equality?!? Well and perhaps you say, well that isn't how it is supposed to be. You are right because equality between men and women can only be achieved by the recognition and acceptance of the absolute truth that men and women are DIFFERENT and have DIFFERENT roles. Both are essential and valuable. And equality happens not when men and women DO the same thing but are both valued and supported in their differing roles.

Now let me focus on same-sex marriage and the argument for equality. The Church has stated more than once that it supports the giving of benefits and other societal support to those in same-sex relationships. But that isn't good enough - proponents want it to be CALLED marriage not just receive most of the societal benefits associated with a heterosexual marriage. Why does the name matter so much? Because as people we want to feel JUSTIFIED in our behaviors and act as if society calling it something makes it something. But that again goes back to trying to say two things are the same which aren't? There is an absolute truth about marriage, which is that it is to be between a man and a woman for the reasons I explained above. Thus there can never be true equality that benefits all without the corresponding truth being applied.

The Lord loves all of us but there are commandments and laws. Right is not relative - there are absolute truths that do exist and all have reasons and purposes. And they aren't to discriminate or generate hate - it is because we are here on this earth to strive to become like the Savior and be perfected through the Atonement so we can live with Heavenly Father and our families through the eternities and create worlds and further posterity. And in order for that all to happen we must live by the commandments and laws given and to remember that EVERY law and commandment given is for our greatest benefit and happiness and will be the result thereof if we live according to them.

Emotions are fascinating things but are not understood very well I think :) So today I thought I would discuss emotions and the things over the past few years I've learned about them. Working with victims of domestic violence gave me alot of insight and access to so many emotions, and to those that had become so numb, they didn't really experience emotions. It was a very broad spectrum. And interacting with that and teaching about it made me take a close look at my emotions. The hard thing is that as people we often don't WANT to feel emotions - especially those we call unpleasant - hurt, sadness, vulnerability, anger, etc. So we often act like the ostrich who sticks his head in the sand, pretending those emotions don't exist. I do this as much as the next person - but lately I've been trying not to and I've been thinking and analyzing everything I know about emotions, so I thought I would share!

Lets talk emotions!

Emotions have two categories - primary and secondary emotions. This is important because of the biggest emotion categorized as secondary - ANGER. This means that the majority of the time, or almost always, when experiencing anger, it is simply a mask or a cover for another emotion - a primary emotion that we don't/aren't ready to acknowledge. The primary emotions are hurt, sadness, happiness, vulnerability, peace, fear, etc. Because many of the primary emotions we don't enjoy experiencing, we often experience anger in addition. The problem arises when we think anger is the PRIMARY emotion, rather than the secondary because you then can't resolve the emotion that is really driving anything.

Why do we experience anger with those primary emotions? Because emotions such as hurt, sadness, vulnerability leave us often feeling out of control or that we don't have control in a situation. Anger gives us a false sense of regaining or having control. But it can also stop us from experiencing and moving through an emotion so we can eventually move past it for the situation that caused it.

This leads me to another important thing to know and understand about emotions - too often we talk as if we have control over what emotions we experience. This is only partly true - what we ALWAYS have control over is how we RESPOND to an emotion. Part of this life is learning that - not learning how NOT to feel and experience emotion but how to respond in positive and uplifting ways to ALL the emotions we experience.

Ask yourself why we have emotions? What is their purpose?

Their main purpose is to tell us something as an individual - they tell us how we feel about a situation, experience, person, interaction, etc. Meaning the emotion we feel in connection with any of those things tells US something about how we view that situation, experience, person, etc. Now I can work to change and emotion I experience with certain events, situations, etc. but ultimately I don't choose the emotion. I choose the response, which ultimately helps direct the emotion.

What often happens when we think we control, which emotions we experience is we tell ourselves we aren't feeling such and such emotion and then go merrily on our way. But emotions never just "go away". They aren't like the flu or a bad cold :P

Let me use an analogy now - not acknowledging and experiencing our emotions is similar to us carrying around a bag - every time we don't allow ourselves to experience and work through and emotion, we stuff it in that bag. But as with anything with limited space - what eventually happens? There isn't anymore room!! You then have an uncontrolled explosion. Have you ever started crying at something small that you say to yourself, "Why am I crying at this, it is not a big deal at all!" but you can't seem to help it. Or you explode at someone and get extremely angry at a minor mishap or aggravation that normally you would have blown off. That is because your bag has gotten to full and the emotion has to go somewhere :)

Experiencing emotions - especially ones like sadness, hurt, vulnerability are ones we would rather skip. But they are important and necessary for us to feel. We have all experienced them - and if any of you are like me you just want to "move past it." When something happens that hurts me -and I feel hurt and sadness I often want to feel the emotion once and then be done. But emotions don't work that way - especially the hard ones. I recently had a friendship end - it was a friendship that mattered to me alot and I had invested alot into it. It was HARD, when ultimately, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to save the friendship it ultimately wasn't just my decision, and there is a lot of hurt and sadness tied to the ending of a friendship. When we love and care about people - we are vulnerable and that leaves us open to hurt and sadness.

Some days I'm fine with what happened and I accept it. After all I've had numerous times and days where I've almost felt overwhelmed by the sadness or hurt. And then of course with those two emotions I feel anger. I work through the emotion and sometimes think I'm done. But emotions have a way of sneaking up on you - you will see something that reminds you of the friendship or person, or do something similar to what you did together one time, or even just out of nowhere the sadness hits you.

The most important thing I learned in the last few months - is that I just have to be patient and experience the emotion that comes. I can't choose not to feel sad or hurt - I cared and those emotions are a part of that. But I can choose to work through the emotion - to acknowledge and accept WHY I feel those emotions but not allow them to overwhelm me. Ultimately, emotions allow and tell me one big thing - I CARE and that is what matters.

If you will bear with me for a moment, I'm going to discuss what I like to call the Mormon 'F' word - more commonly known as feminism. It is always interesting to experience the different reactions when I say the word feminism. Too often the implicit response is, "Oh....you are one of THOSE women." Whatever that is supposed to mean. Usually THOSE women means one of those that hates, men, burns bras, thinks women should dominate the world, or isn't striving to live the gospel.

Can I tell you I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY dislike the bad rap the word feminism has gotten and that this is topic we cannot discuss with and open mind. Because if we break down the word feminism to its TRUE meaning - it is simply a belief and/or understanding of what it means to be a woman. So HELLO! All members of the church should have a belief and an understanding of what it means to be a woman so essentially we are ALL feminists.

Sorry for all the caps - it is just frustrating that this topic - i.e. the role, importance, value of women cannot be discussed because as soon as the word feminism is mentioned, people run screaming from the room or shrink back in horror as if you are contagious.

Perhaps you are thinking - well Cherilee, can't we discuss all of those things without the word feminism? To which I stubbornly respond, well why does it have to be that way? I hate when things are a certain way simply because of some social stigmatism. I want to be able to say the word feminism and not suddenly be associated with everything and anything when I'm only saying, "Yes, I have a belief...in fact a firm belief about what it is and means to be a woman."

And let me tell you - that firm belief actually came about BECAUSE of my taking a feminism class. It made me think about and decide for myself - what do I really believe is the role of women in this world and in eternity. I think we need to think about this more often - and not just women but everyone - what has the Lord told us are the roles of men, women, families, etc. in this life and in the eternities. Too often I know I forget to really think about and apply to the role I have and to think about what it means for eternity.

I have heard more often than I would have expected to from women in the Church that they can't wait until the next life when that dang motherhood thing will be out of the way. Unless I'm completely off here, I'm pretty sure the Lord has taught that exaltation EQUALS eternal motherhood. Motherhood isn't something to just "get out of the way" so we can get on with our REAL purpose. It is one of the main purposes now and into eternity for us.

I think one of the difficult things for each of us is to figure out what that means to us. The Lord has given several reasons and blessings of motherhood but with applied application by us it is difficult sometimes to probably see motherhood as something other than drudgery or something to get out of the way. And yes I recognize that I'm not a mother yet, but it is something I do look forward to. Not because it will be easy, fun or always great but because it will be worth it. I have faith that because the Lord has said so, it will be so if I work and rely on him.

And lastly, seeking motherhood and seeing it as something valuable, important and fulfilling doesn't make me less of a woman. This is the world's view and it has slowly seeped into the women of the church. Can we stand up together in proclaiming the eternal nature, importance and value of womanhood and motherhood?

I had an interesting experience this past Sunday. I was asked to participate with 5 other women from my ward to participate in what ended up being called a focus group. Our Stake Presidency asked that this happen and the group was run by a member or our Stake Presidency.

The purpose? The Stake Presidency wanted to hear from us personally what we felt were the unique challenges and opportunities of being a Young Single Adult at this time. Alot of things were shared by the different sisters that attended but a couple things stood out to me both then and since as I've thought about it. Going into the meeting I really had no idea what it was about or exactly why we were there but once it was explained what I'm going to share with you was the main things I thought about then, shared, and have continued to think about. And it is something I think is applicable across all age ranges or varying places in life.

Are you real and honest with those you interact with especially when we are talking about our wards and specifically Relief Society (or if any guys read this Elders Quorum:P), since this was the focus of the focus group. It seems to me, too often we put on a pretty face, smile, give generic comments, and pretend that everything is rosy and life runs perfectly and smoothly.

Why do we do this? Since this is my blog you of course simply get my opinion, though I always love to hear what others have to say if you feel so inclined to comment :)

I think there are several factors that contribute. One reason I think is a misappropriation of the gospel and what it means to be striving to become perfect. Sometimes the "fake it until you make it" isn't applicable. I feel like an environment within the church has been fostered that encourages us to say, "Everything was great! It was the best thing ever!" And not that we can't say those things, but acknowledging that the mission was a struggle and there were at least as many difficult times as good times, and that being a parent is HARD though rewarding, or that being single has some advantages but it can be lonely and difficult to understand and know your purpose is super important. Projecting a perfect image simply distances us from others and allows no real connection. Sadly, this is a tool of satan because when we feel disconnected and different we often turn to false substitutes that satan whispers will fill that need or void.

Also, we may feel that others will judge us or think less of us because we aren't "perfect." I know this is something I struggle with. I know I often equate struggling with weakness and inadequacy - but we all have weaknesses and are inadequate in some way or the other. This is for a reason and purpose - so that we turn to our Savior who said He would make weak things become strong and that His grace is sufficient.

The last thing I think is a factor is our lack of connection with others and our understanding of how to share appropriately to build deeper relationships. The internet and social media have created an interesting environment where it can be easy to be fake and project a persona rather than who we are but it also sometimes fosters the feeling that we can share anything and everything with anyone and everyone. Both of these are unhealthy and damaging as we try and create true and fulfilling relationships of any kind. If I don't honestly seek and inquire about someone and realize there is a process of sharing and that it must start at a superficial level and through repeated experiences move to more personal or intimate than it will be difficult to have an environment where someone would share with me or I would feel comfortable sharing with them.

So what can I do? What can YOU do? How can we develop in our wards, RS, homes, interactions - a safe place where we are real and honest and seek to provide space where others feel they can be as well?

For me the biggest thing I can do is focus on being real, honest, and seeking to truly know others. What are your thoughts?

Sometimes I feel like if I write a blogpost it should be about one thing - one subject or happening that I found so compelling I just HAD to write about it. But I realize my life and myself don't work that way - I "collect" interesting thoughts, subjects, happenings, etc. until I have this conglomeration of awesome things and THEN I feel compelled to write about them all. So here's my bric-a-brac!

It has been awhile but the last couple of weeks I got to interpret a couple of dreams. You may not know that I have this hobby - yes a hobby of interpreting dreams. I get mixed reactions when I say I do this. If you want to know a little more about how I do it, and why I do it you can read my other blog - http://dreamexegesis.blogspot.com/2011/05/meaning-in-dreams_27.html. Dreams are fascinating to me and I think there is a lot that can be learned through interpreting dreams so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to do some analysis. It also is great when the person you are interpreting for is open and willing to analyze and share. I think one reason I love it so much is I find people in general to be very fascinating and dream interpretation or analysis gives insight into people - how they think, what is important to them, what stresses them out, how they process information, etc. One of these days I will put up one of my dreams with an interpretation as other people's dreams are personal and I would never share them in a public sphere. But if you ever want a dream interpreted let me know! :P

Last night I went to see Life of Pi. I've been wanting to see this movie for some time as back during my undergrad I read, studied and even wrote a research paper the I presented at an undergraduate conference on the book. It will always be one of my all time favorite books. Because of this I was nervous about how well they would be able to handle the nuances of the book in a movie and to be honest while I really wanted to read it I was skeptical. But a friend wanted to see it and had read the book and I had two free movie tickets so we ventured out to see it. We were both pleasantly surprised and felt they did a pretty good job in the movie of capturing the book and the important things. The movie is over 2 hours long but it zipped by for me and I felt engaged the whole time. So I recommend reading the book THEN seeing the movie. And even better, I recommend reading the book, discussing the book then seeing the movie. It was really fun that we had both read the book and discussed for several minutes afterwards about one of the main questions the book posits to you as a reader. I won't give anything away but I'm always up for discussing the book or movie should anyone feel so inclined.

I've also finished the book I mentioned in my previous post - The Anatomy of Peace, which I cannot recommend highly enough. It is a life changer. I also love when you have "ah-ha" moments. When something finally comes into clarity and you feel like you finally see and understand something important. In the last several weeks that has happened for me. For me one of the keys of life has been reaching the point where I understand and recognize my own little personal quirks and recognize them as the valuable parts of me that they are. And in addition, accepting people for where they are at. These two things combined really bring a lot of inner quietness and peace in combination with the knowledge the gospel gives us and the peace we can feel through living it.

Isn't life wonderful?!?