Ponderous Simplicity

Back in January, I wrote a post about some changes in direction I was taking. Things had been really, really hard for me for a number of years. 

There were a variety of reasons, but a very large factor was feeling not only the loneliness of being single and alone but also of the feeling of not belonging in a very tangible way. Not being able to connect with men put me in a place and, to some, in a category that still for many feel do not belong in the Church, so the loneliness wasn't just the loneliness of being alone. My decision to try something different was mainly because I wasn't sure life would continue for me without making some changes. I had tried for so long, prayed so hard, served, loved, and been faithful and to me that wasn't changing, but I needed to do something different.

I will admit, that in January, going into things—in deciding to date women—I was a little naive. Naive in the fact that at the time it seemed very possible that in meeting someone I wanted to be with, we would just date forever. However, only a couple months in, I realized that was not a realistic possibility.

Having never been in a serious relationship, I had no idea what it would feel like to be in a relationship with someone you loved—loved them, loved spending time with them, and to be loved like that in return. To be in a relationship with someone who was as committed to the relationship and to you as you were to them. And who loved you just as fully in return. It made life full and meaningful. It changed so much for me. Life seemed so beautiful and wonderful—not without challenges, but no longer did those challenges knock me down.

So I was now faced with a BIG decision—several people have said, and I know it has been assumed, that my choice was between the Church and getting married—but that isn't it at all.

My previous Bishop mentioned when I started dating that some ward members asked how I could possibly do that, as I had just finished serving as RS president in the ward for over 2 years. What made me so sad about that, was I was in so many ways the same person. My testimony hadn't changed and I was still the person who bore witness and testimony time and time again of the truths of the gospel. That was still ME!

Perhaps one of the biggest things we can do as members of the Church is to take the time to ask and listen to someone's story instead of making assumptions about them or their choices. Instead of getting up on our soapboxes to proclaim our righteousness and point out the mistakes or sins as we see them of others. It doesn't mean we don't bear testimony of doctrine, but when we get on our soapboxes, it isn't about the doctrine—it is too often about separating ourselves from those "sinners," though we are all sinners in some way or another.
In light of wanting to share to minimize assumptions, I wanted to take a few minutes to share what led to my decision and where I am at. My decision wasn't about leaving the Church or even abandoning my covenants—it was about realizing I couldn't go back to not dating—I just couldn't go back to that loneliness and not belonging without probably ultimately ending my life. And I knew we couldn't just continue to date indefinitely—that wasn't practical so that left the option of getting married.

That is when I examined what the decision to get married would mean—I love the Church and have such a strong testimony, but I also wanted to live—I feel I do have much to give to this world. So even though it makes me so sad to think some of you or some members of the Church think it would be better if I was dead than to marry someone of the same gender, I made the decision to move forward with marriage.

So I began to pray about it—I knew that the Lord had led me to meet Jess—there were so many factors that fell into place for us to meet. And I had been praying for months and months to meet someone that I could build a relationship with. Therefore, I wanted to know what the Lord wanted me to do. Repeatedly, I felt such great peace about moving forward to marriage.

I know that some of you, because I've been in this place before, are thinking, the Lord would never say it was right. Trust me, I've thought that before and even told my younger brother that I didn't think his choice would lead to happiness, but I now have a different perspective. So having already considered my options and wanting to continue to move forward with life, I now began to look at what my life in the Church would be like going forward.

I still have no intention of leaving the Church—I have said repeatedly and it has not changed—I have a strong testimony of the gospel and still believe the truths I testified of.

Where does that leave me? I'm not sure—I'm striving to leave that to the Lord and continue to try to live the gospel the best I can and work to not get pushed out of the Church.

What I hope for going forward or in the future is that within the Church we can create a place where everyone can belong and feel welcome, despite differences or things we don't understand. That we teach and testify of doctrine while being aware and sensitive to others by having taken the time to talk to, listen and understand someone's story.

Life has continued to surprise me and I imagine that will not change. I don't know where the next few years or even many years will lead me—I am grateful to have someone in my life right now who is also dedicated to continue living the gospel and also wants to spend her life with me. It has helped me to be more aware and desire to be more kind and understanding to others. To listen more, and to focus on how I can work to become more like the Savior. 

I hope to continue to make space for any in the LGBTQ community who desire to continue to be a part of the Church. I know it is a struggle and many do not feel welcome, but I hope one day that can change and that I and all of us can be part of making that change. That we don't stop speaking of doctrine, but we also start listening with loving hearts to the many stories and challenges of those in our wards and communities. And strive to avoid our soap boxes and falling into the fallacy of "judging" others' sins—classifying someone else's sins as "big" sins, and then treating them as if they have no place in the Church or gospel.