Ponderous Simplicity

Life has a way of changing your perspective - if you let it. It can be too easy sometimes to stubbornly cling to our current perspectives. But I have found we miss out on opportunities to learn, grow and gain empathy for others when we will allow life to help us adjust our perspectives. The interesting thing about our own personal perspectives is that they are always valid but not always right. Meaning the perspective we have is an accumulation of our experiences, beliefs, interactions, etc. so they way we view something is valid - but it isn't always right meaning it isn't the only way to look at things or is THE one way something happened.

Others perceptions are rarely the same as our own. Too often we let ourselves feel though that when someone's perspective is different it somehow either lessens the value of our perception or puts them in competition for whose perception is "right." The great thing about perception is that I can come to an understanding of someone's perspective, but not agree with it. But I really can only come to that understanding if I seek to understand and learn how they came to that perspective. Which means I need to listen, ask question and have a desire to understand and not feel threatened when their perspective is different than mine.

So here are a couple things to maybe give a little thought to that I've been taught about perspective lately.

#1 - Other people are rarely as concerned or aware of you and what you are doing as you think or as you are of yourself :) This has applied to me a lot recently when I make mistakes. I am the Sacrament Meeting chorister for my ward. So I stand in front of the whole ward each Sunday for a little bit of time and wave my arm around. I am by no means even close to professional when it comes to leading music. I read and understand music, rhythm, etc. but that doesn't translate to always leading well. It is interesting though that people don't even notice when I mess up - part of this is because a lot of people never look at the chorister. But it also has to do with the fact they don't usually even notice, even when looking at me. And I've realized that smiling about it and laughing makes it so much better and so even if someone mentions it to me, I can just laugh about it because I already have.

This applies to mistakes in general in life. When we can laugh kindly at ourselves and recognize our own fallibility and mortality, it makes life a lot happier. And while my perspective may be that everyone noticed and is judging me, that is rarely the case.

#2 - Sometimes we get so stuck in what is "supposed" to make us happy we forget to notice or even seek for things that REALLY contribute to us feeling joy and happiness. I think of President Uchtdorf's talk about things that matter most and how a lot of the time those things are small things - things we often overlook. I have a friend that almost every time she sees flowers, she will stop and smell them. When I went to San Diego, we saw lots of flowers and without even really thinking about it stopped to smell a lot of them. Many weren't particularly fragrant but there is something happy in just doing it. It brings a smile to my face every time. While on vacation, we went to all the "popular" spots and after the trip I realized the parts of the trip I loved the most had nothing to do with visiting those places.

I loved when we hiked down a cliff to the beach at sunset and while I complained that I was going to die while doing it, I was grateful my friend was patient and didn't get mad at me for my complaining and just encourage me as I made my way down. And it was so worth it when we got to the bottom and just walked around in the sand and ocean and looked at the beauty surrounding us.

Another "small moment" is when we were riding in our bikes and passed a house that looked like the White Rabbit's house from Alice in Wonderland. We stopped and took a picture and it just made me smile and laugh.

Or when I finally saw the San Diego temple in person. I've always loved how that temple looked and it was just great to see it in person and just walk around and appreciate the beauty. It also made me grateful and felt joy as I thought about how much I've come to love the Provo Temple including how it looks because I attend there the most often and it will always hold a special place in my heart.

#3 - Giving people the benefit of the doubt makes everything better for yourself and helps you feel more joy. Maybe most of you don't have such a problem with this like I do. But I have to work on it constantly. For whatever reason, I often question people's motives and don't usually think they could be positive. But I've worked really hard on this lately and it makes such a different in my perspective of other people but also of myself. It is quite amazing.

#4 - Don't be afraid to hear and look at other people's perspectives. Learn where they have come from and how they got to where they are. You will learn about them and yourself! And I promise it will help you understand them better.


Lastly here are just a few of my favorite pictures from San Diego!

My dear friend Kathy passed away last Friday morning at 10 am. She is one of the people in my life that has most influential and because of that I wanted to dedicate this blogpost to her and express a few of my feelings as well as some stories and memories I'm blessed to have.


I had been working at McDonalds for probably about 2 years before Kathy started working there. Kathy just had this general optimism and enthusiasm for life and for working at McDonalds that I will never forget and influenced me from the start. She had this way of making you feel like you mattered - to the world and to her and she was ALWAYS kind and had a kind word for everyone. Even talking to her years later about some of the employees that had worked there, she knew things about them that I had been clueless about simply because she cared enough to ask and pay attention to what was going on in their lives.

And I know she did that for me. One of the most significant memories I have with Kathy is there was a time I was contemplating and had made a decision I was conflicted about. Kathy didn't know anything about the situation but could tell something was wrong so she asked me about it. We then sat for a couple of hours in my car in the McDonalds parking lot as I told her all about what had happened and the direction I had decided to go. She listened and didn't reprimand me or scold me. She made me feel like she cared about me more than any decision I was making or the direction I might be going. As we parted ways that night I felt supported like I never had before.

A couple days later, Kathy gave me a letter. She didn't tell me what the letter was about but just asked I read it all the way through. I sat down and read the letter. In the letter she expressed her love and support but showed some "tough love." She was blunt and expressive as she asked me to really think about my decision and some of the things I had told her on that night. 4 pages later I was in tears and felt angry. But after just a little time I thought deeply about what Kathy had said in the letter and the way she had treated me and supported me and knew that above all else she cared about me and would only say what she did out of love.

Her letter changed my direction and ultimately my life and I can't imagine who or where I would be without her and the love and support she showed me during that time but always. This was a turning point in my life and my friendship with Kathy. I think from that point on our friendship was cemented in a way that cannot really be expressed. I never doubted that Kathy loved and cared about me but would tell me what I needed to hear sometimes.

Another memory I have is the last time I saw Kathy. One of the hardest things for me about her passing is how long it had been since I last saw her and that I never got to say goodbye. I do know I will see her again as long as I endure well because I know she did! But about a year ago or so she was having treatments up at the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake and needed someone to ride with her to make sure everything was ok or if there were problems that she could get home. I was honored she called me and so grateful for that experience especially now that it will be my last memory of her. That visit had been a bit since the visit before that so we had plenty of catching up to do. On the drive up she told me about what was going on with all her kids (she would always make sure to tell me how they all were and what was going on for them, so I often feel I know them very well though we've probably only met a few different times over the years). She also listened as I caught her up on my life and expressed some of my frustration about the direction my life had gone and the challenges it was presenting that I hadn't expected to face. And even though her challenges were so much larger than mine she still showed me such great empathy and never complained about the difficulties she had faced and continued to face. And one of the things the visit showed me that no matter how much time had passed, it hadn't lessened our friendship. That was reiterated to me when Kathy went back for the procedure and her talk with her Dr. she asked me to come back with her. It touched my heart then and still to this day makes me tear up as I think about how she always just showed I mattered to her and was a part of her life even when I didn't see her often.

On a lighter note I have many, many happy memories with Kathy as no one could laugh or joke quite like Kathy. Kathy was on the one that taught me how to golf and one of my favorite things to do with her was go golfing. We golfed the Delta golf course many, many times and loved it. I remember one of the first times she was showing me how to golf she said - "Well holding the club with be a little different for you because I have such a large chest." She then demonstrated how she had to turn her arms out a little to accommodate. I remember laughing so hard with her about it. Another time we were golfing down in Delta and Kathy bought a golf ball that had a nice picture on it as a souvenir to give to Sanjiv the McDonalds store owner at the time. We went out and began golfing - sadly I wasn't doing too well and we lost a number of balls until the only one left for Kathy to use was the one she bought for Sanjiv. She figured it would be ok and a little more "authentic" if it had grass stains on it! So she set it on the ground and made her swing - however she was standing next to a pond on the course and the ball made a nice arch to the side right into the water!! Sanjiv never got a golf ball from Delta! :P

One of my favorite things about Kathy is she never felt there needed to be a distinction in events she would include me in. I was invited numerous times to "family" events or events she was attending with her family. I will forever be grateful to Kathy for making me feel so valued and included. I got to go to the Delta demolition derby, to a all night walk they did for cancer survivors, to the State Wrestles and so many other events.

Another of my favorite memories is when Kathy and I took a weekend trip down to St. George. We sat by the pool, went shopping, ate dinner with Tiauna and went golfing. It was a great time and I remember while we were golfing, apparently we were "too slow" for those golfing behind us so we kept having to let everyone "play through." But we had a great time and played around driving the golf cart.

Kathy was one of those people you can never forget because they hold such a large piece of your heart. Though I know I will see her again I will miss her until then. The world lost a great light. I'm grateful for the memories I have of Kathy and the knowledge I have that I will get to see her again. I'm happy for her that she doesn't have to suffer anymore - 10 years is a long time to battle with such a significant disease and Kathy remained happy, pleasant and optimistic throughout. She is an example to us all! I love you Kathy!

This my friend Anne

Language is so fascinating - it is one of the reasons I majored in English and why I loved critical theory. Most people don't think very deeply about how they use language and even how language uses them (read Life of Pi and come talk to me and I will show you how language used you :P). Back in my undergrad I took a class on madness in literature - it was one of the most interesting classes I took my entire undergrad career and I took a lot of classes. That class in combination with a class I took called the Philosophy of Language forever changed how I view language.

But I've been thinking about the power of language alot since I read an article yesterday - http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2013/05/elizabeth-smart-and-psychology-of.html that illustrates very clearly the power language has and how it affects how we view, conceptualize and even ultimately FEEL about things. With all words, the society we live in tends to assign meaning to words - cat only means that smallish furry creature we call cat because our society has designated that words means cat. The animal itself is not an inherent part of that word. The difficulty with this is that when you assign or accept a societal definition of a word you accept all the meaning that has been assigned to that word. Take the word 'pure' for example as discussed in the above article - many of us have taken on the common definition that pure means without contamination and that once something is contaminated it cannot become uncontaminated. And because of the contamination the inherent value becomes less.

I know this mindset and acceptance of this definition persists in the LDS culture we live in when I worked and interacted with victims of rape in Utah County. Rape is still associated with a loss of chastity and a loss of chastity with contamination. This effects how people view victims of rape but also how rape victims feel about themselves - Elizabeth Smart talked about this how one of the reasons she didn't try to escape - she felt as if she were worthless now and that no one would want her anymore including her family and/or a future spouse. Imagine how debilitating that thought process is and how one of the foundational reasons is language and the accepted definitions we have for a word like 'pure.'

I also have thought about the words 'gay', 'lesbian' or 'same-sex-attraction' and the meaning and definition in the LDS culture specifically and the power those words have been given. One of the most interesting things I've thought alot about in regards to these words is how people have come to be defined mainly by what we term their sexual orientation. Suddenly that word is the biggest defining term about them? And in this I think 'attraction' is a word that should require a bit of examination as to what society has done with that word. The societal definition and meaning of 'attraction' has become almost entirely sexual - if I'm attracted to someone it means I'm attracted sexually. But there are many types of attraction and some have nothing to do with a sexual attraction. I think because of this alot of what is termed 'same-sex-attraction' has nothing to do with sex or sexuality.

I personally am more attracted emotionally to women - and as some of you read that last line you probably feel a strong negative reaction. Why? Because most of us accept the definition for attraction means something sexual. However, attraction is a feeling of connection or being drawn to something or someone. So since I find it easy initially to connect with other women emotionally then I would feel a connection or be drawn to women emotionally before men. This shouldn't be surprising - it has been proven many times over that women need other women and that most often that is because of the ability of women to connect emotionally with other women. Men (for the most part) don't function the same emotionally as women.

It has often been a confusing journey to understand this about myself because of the definition and meaning that society has given the word 'attraction.' It has been forgotten or no longer considered that a big reason we build friendships or friendships happen with certain people and not others is because of attraction - we are attracted to some people or have a greater ability to connect with some people vs. others. This has been lost in the whole 'same-sex-attraction' definition.

One quick sidebar - that doesn't mean I'm ignoring or trying to marginalize in any way that there are numerous people of both genders that are attracted sexually to those of the same gender. I'm just stating that I think some of the time that isn't what is happening but people move that direction because they accept the overarching definition and meaning society has placed on that word.

Ultimately, one reasons I loved my English classes the focused on critical theory was because they focused on helping us to identify and understand that language is a structure and that as I said above - the meaning and definitions we accept for words affect how we think, respond and FEEL about situation we encounter and experience. There are numerous things in this world that could be changed for the positive if we examined, understood and worked to change what definitions we give power in our life.

In all fairness I do have to say that the "menace to society" quote attributed to Brigham Young cannot actually be found anywhere and so he may not have even said it :P But even if it is one of the "Mormon Myths" I still find it funny, and being a LDS woman who is 31 and unmarried if that quote was real I imagine it would be applied to me in some way :P

Regardless, my YSA years have taught me ALOT and I wanted to share some of those things. So lets have a list - we all love lists, right? :P

#1 - People are more important than things
A few weeks ago in fast and testimony meeting my RS President actually said this and I realized how strongly I agreed with her and realized that my single years have helped me to really understand this. What brings us the most lasting happiness, helps us to learn and grow, and ultimately become more Christ-like is our interactions and how we treat other people. It isn't the activities we necessarily participate in (obviously activities we do can teach us things and activities we participate in can affect our ability to have the companionship of the spirit, etc.) but the interactions with people in those activities and as we try and decide how we will spend out time. And because everyone is different, every single person will push us and challenge us in different ways and can help us grow and become better.

#2 - Give people the benefit of the doubt
Elder Holland said it well - "Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." This has been a struggle for me - I'm a very black and white person so when I could see it wasn't for Reason 'A' it was just natural to assume it HAD to be for Reason 'B'. A good friend has helped me to be able to focus on the good and to give people the benefit of the doubt especially those I care about. In any relationship if I look for the bad I will find it - ALWAYS. You can always find what you are looking for. So now I say to myself - what do I know about this person? What are some of the happy times and times that show me this person cares and wouldn't be doing anything purposefully to be hurtful in anyway. Helps me not to jump to Reason 'B', which can I tell you has made things alot better. Just a caveat though - I worked with domestic violence for over 3 years, so in saying "look for the good" that never means to discount or ignore abusive behavior.

#3 - Everyone has hidden hurts and struggles with something that seems to much to bear
This has been a big one for me to really learn and understand. It is amazing how really struggling yourself makes you more aware that even though you don't see it or ever even talk about it with someone that EVERYONE has those things they've experienced that have stretched, hurt, and been the cause of many tears just like I have. Makes me want to be more kind to others, but also more available to reach out to others. I've also realized some people are REALLY good and putting on a front that everything is perfect. I in  no way criticize people that are able to do this - I say it because it was easy in the past to think that they had no problems and their life was easy. That is never the case - everyone has struggles and though their struggles may be something that comes easy to me, it doesn't mean it isn't a struggle to them.

#4 - When you hurt, don't be afraid to cry
Life isn't easy and sometimes it really hurts - I HATE to cry as much as anyone but I've realized how important crying is and that when I hurt it is a GOOD time to cry and helps me to feel better. And I've realized in general that I do value all the emotions that I'm able to experience even hurt and sadness because I've realized that if I hurt or am sad it means I've invested in someone or something and I think that is so important. Especially investing in people, which often is the source of alot of pain, is also one of the greatest sources of happiness. So don't be afraid to cry when life hurts!

#5 - The Lord never gives us more than we can bear
And last but not least I've learned this even though it has been a hard lesson. I pray to grow and become better - in fact this is something I pray for everyday. Sometimes I laugh at myself when I'm really struggling and think - "Why do I pray for that!?!" Life is SO hard. But I have learned so much in those times and years of struggle and everytime I've made it through with the Lord's help. I feel like I've been stretched and stretched and stretched until I'm going to break and have no more stretch but when the next pull comes, as I turn to the Lord and plead for His help, somehow there is just a little more stretch for that moment. And then when it is all done I can look back and see a different persepctive because of what I've experienced. Hilary Weeks did a song in her last album that sums this up perfectly -

I know alot has been said in the past few weeks about equality and same-sex marriage. I've read ALOT of posts with different perspectives and have been mulling in my mind what I felt I had to contribute to the conversation. As you see I didn't jump in very quickly to offer my two cents - and perhaps the horse is dead but I feel I have something to add. I have thought ALOT about these topics and while I have very strong opinions and beliefs, I also have a strong love and/or strive for that love for all people regardless of differing beliefs. So my disagreement with choices and others beliefs does not mean I do not care about them as people - but I feel it is important for me to express what I believe and speak out for what I see as wrong BEHAVIOR.

Lets start with same-sex marriage and why they Church is asking members to stand against it. There are alot of reasons and many different points and perspectives shared. But the other morning I thought of one of my all-time FAVORITE talks/trainings I've heard. And it was Sister Beck's training done with Institute and Seminary teachers a few summers ago. It was POWERFUL and was such a tool in shaping and strengthening my testimony of the family. I recommend everyone read the training that hasn't but I wanted to focus on just one statement she said that blew me away at the time and I've never forgotten.

She said - Anti-Christ is antifamily. Any doctrine or principle from the world that is antifamily is also anti-Christ. It’s that clear. They need to know that if it’s antifamily, it’s anti-Christ. An anti-Christ is antifamily.

This is one of the biggest reasons the Church is against same-sex marriage. Before anyone freaks out too much, give me a chance to explain :)

First - Yes in Church doctrine same-sex marriage is anti-family. As the Family: A Proclamation states, marriage is ordained between a man and woman. This isn't because it was a societal norm at one time, or even that there is research out there that shows kids do better in a home with a father and mother. But because the doctrine of the family and an underlying doctrine of the entire plan of salvation is that after this life we will live eternally as families, becoming Gods and Goddesses who create their own worlds and offspring. Last time I checked the only way for two people to procreate is when it is a man and a woman. I think sometimes we forget what the eternal plan is, which is why the Church stands firm on this issue.

So why is anti-family, anti-Christ. Well lets break down the role of the Savior. He came to this earth to live, set the example, serve those around Him and ultimately perform the Atonement so we can all gain salvation and exaltation. Exaltation is about eternal families and about what I mentioned above. So when we fight for a doctrine that is anti-family within the definition of family in Church doctrine, we are fighting against the Savior and all that He lives for and did for us. THE point of this earth and our lives here is ultimately about eternal families and the procreation of spirit children. Thus, the point of what the Savior did is about that as well. Thus, when we fight against the family, we fight again the Savior.

So yes, anything anti-family IS anti-Christ and vice verse. Too often I think we forget that when we take out one doctrine of the Church it does exist in isolation - our thoughts and beliefs about one doctrine are inexplicably tied to all other doctrines and when we say one thing about one doctrine we implicitly are saying things about all other doctrines in the Church. It is all connected together!

Now let me address equality as this has become a main header in the argument of same-sex marriage - that it is about equality.

But what is equality??

I think this is the million dollar question not addressed very often. Too often in the world and our definition, equality means sameness. But equality cannot be about sameness because there are very few things in this world that are exactly the same - and when we are talking about people there are no two people exactly the same.

So as I was thinking about this the other day I realized that equality cannot truly exist without truth - those truths that are absolute. Lets use for example, men and women. Much of feminism has fought for equality for men and women. But that equality most often takes the form of women being treated, becoming like and adopting the ways of men. How is that equality?!? Well and perhaps you say, well that isn't how it is supposed to be. You are right because equality between men and women can only be achieved by the recognition and acceptance of the absolute truth that men and women are DIFFERENT and have DIFFERENT roles. Both are essential and valuable. And equality happens not when men and women DO the same thing but are both valued and supported in their differing roles.

Now let me focus on same-sex marriage and the argument for equality. The Church has stated more than once that it supports the giving of benefits and other societal support to those in same-sex relationships. But that isn't good enough - proponents want it to be CALLED marriage not just receive most of the societal benefits associated with a heterosexual marriage. Why does the name matter so much? Because as people we want to feel JUSTIFIED in our behaviors and act as if society calling it something makes it something. But that again goes back to trying to say two things are the same which aren't? There is an absolute truth about marriage, which is that it is to be between a man and a woman for the reasons I explained above. Thus there can never be true equality that benefits all without the corresponding truth being applied.

The Lord loves all of us but there are commandments and laws. Right is not relative - there are absolute truths that do exist and all have reasons and purposes. And they aren't to discriminate or generate hate - it is because we are here on this earth to strive to become like the Savior and be perfected through the Atonement so we can live with Heavenly Father and our families through the eternities and create worlds and further posterity. And in order for that all to happen we must live by the commandments and laws given and to remember that EVERY law and commandment given is for our greatest benefit and happiness and will be the result thereof if we live according to them.

Emotions are fascinating things but are not understood very well I think :) So today I thought I would discuss emotions and the things over the past few years I've learned about them. Working with victims of domestic violence gave me alot of insight and access to so many emotions, and to those that had become so numb, they didn't really experience emotions. It was a very broad spectrum. And interacting with that and teaching about it made me take a close look at my emotions. The hard thing is that as people we often don't WANT to feel emotions - especially those we call unpleasant - hurt, sadness, vulnerability, anger, etc. So we often act like the ostrich who sticks his head in the sand, pretending those emotions don't exist. I do this as much as the next person - but lately I've been trying not to and I've been thinking and analyzing everything I know about emotions, so I thought I would share!

Lets talk emotions!

Emotions have two categories - primary and secondary emotions. This is important because of the biggest emotion categorized as secondary - ANGER. This means that the majority of the time, or almost always, when experiencing anger, it is simply a mask or a cover for another emotion - a primary emotion that we don't/aren't ready to acknowledge. The primary emotions are hurt, sadness, happiness, vulnerability, peace, fear, etc. Because many of the primary emotions we don't enjoy experiencing, we often experience anger in addition. The problem arises when we think anger is the PRIMARY emotion, rather than the secondary because you then can't resolve the emotion that is really driving anything.

Why do we experience anger with those primary emotions? Because emotions such as hurt, sadness, vulnerability leave us often feeling out of control or that we don't have control in a situation. Anger gives us a false sense of regaining or having control. But it can also stop us from experiencing and moving through an emotion so we can eventually move past it for the situation that caused it.

This leads me to another important thing to know and understand about emotions - too often we talk as if we have control over what emotions we experience. This is only partly true - what we ALWAYS have control over is how we RESPOND to an emotion. Part of this life is learning that - not learning how NOT to feel and experience emotion but how to respond in positive and uplifting ways to ALL the emotions we experience.

Ask yourself why we have emotions? What is their purpose?

Their main purpose is to tell us something as an individual - they tell us how we feel about a situation, experience, person, interaction, etc. Meaning the emotion we feel in connection with any of those things tells US something about how we view that situation, experience, person, etc. Now I can work to change and emotion I experience with certain events, situations, etc. but ultimately I don't choose the emotion. I choose the response, which ultimately helps direct the emotion.

What often happens when we think we control, which emotions we experience is we tell ourselves we aren't feeling such and such emotion and then go merrily on our way. But emotions never just "go away". They aren't like the flu or a bad cold :P

Let me use an analogy now - not acknowledging and experiencing our emotions is similar to us carrying around a bag - every time we don't allow ourselves to experience and work through and emotion, we stuff it in that bag. But as with anything with limited space - what eventually happens? There isn't anymore room!! You then have an uncontrolled explosion. Have you ever started crying at something small that you say to yourself, "Why am I crying at this, it is not a big deal at all!" but you can't seem to help it. Or you explode at someone and get extremely angry at a minor mishap or aggravation that normally you would have blown off. That is because your bag has gotten to full and the emotion has to go somewhere :)

Experiencing emotions - especially ones like sadness, hurt, vulnerability are ones we would rather skip. But they are important and necessary for us to feel. We have all experienced them - and if any of you are like me you just want to "move past it." When something happens that hurts me -and I feel hurt and sadness I often want to feel the emotion once and then be done. But emotions don't work that way - especially the hard ones. I recently had a friendship end - it was a friendship that mattered to me alot and I had invested alot into it. It was HARD, when ultimately, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to save the friendship it ultimately wasn't just my decision, and there is a lot of hurt and sadness tied to the ending of a friendship. When we love and care about people - we are vulnerable and that leaves us open to hurt and sadness.

Some days I'm fine with what happened and I accept it. After all I've had numerous times and days where I've almost felt overwhelmed by the sadness or hurt. And then of course with those two emotions I feel anger. I work through the emotion and sometimes think I'm done. But emotions have a way of sneaking up on you - you will see something that reminds you of the friendship or person, or do something similar to what you did together one time, or even just out of nowhere the sadness hits you.

The most important thing I learned in the last few months - is that I just have to be patient and experience the emotion that comes. I can't choose not to feel sad or hurt - I cared and those emotions are a part of that. But I can choose to work through the emotion - to acknowledge and accept WHY I feel those emotions but not allow them to overwhelm me. Ultimately, emotions allow and tell me one big thing - I CARE and that is what matters.