Ponderous Simplicity

I have had so many thoughts lately - alot of things have happened for me personally and in the world and our society that have potential effect on me and my life and many people.

One thing there has been alot of uproar about, from many people and perspectives is what happened at BYU with the Honor Code. I'm not going to debate what actually happened as it really is impossible for any of us to know the full scope behind the original decision and changes made, the interpretations of the changes and the subsequent clarification. BYU is a private school and does have the right to set what standards it requires for students to attend and each student gets to decide whether or not they want/will live by those standards. However, I do wish things had been handled differently, which could have led to alot less difficulty on all sides. The blame and accusations have been flying as well as plenty of name calling. Whether or not you thought the changes meant that same gender couples could now date and express affection as BYU students, can we think for a moment why students may have had that interpretation? Regardless of your personal beliefs, empathy encourages us to simply think of something from someone else's position and understanding and then connect with what emotions they would feel in that position.

Yes, I know as BYU students they signed the Honor Code and agreed to live by it. I know that an underlying core doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that marriage is between a man and a woman and that exaltation is to become like God with eternal families based on marriage between a man and a woman. Despite my personal feelings and my experience I do have a strong testimony of those doctrines, even though I have no idea what that means for me.

What I would hope is that regardless of our personal beliefs, that we can take a moment to think about how that FEELS - for anyone and everyone?

 I know many members of The Church feel attacked - they feel the LGBTQ community is trying to destroy the family. To force changes that go against underlying doctrine. I can understand the fear in that, or the anger or the frustration.

I can also understand the hope felt with the changes to the Honor Code after potentially years and years of turmoil trying to understand feelings and attractions you have when many in something you consider to be part of yourself and a core piece of your identity call you evil, or broken or that if you just had enough faith or prayed better, harder, more, that God would "fix" you, to then think that maybe there was finally some space for you to try and live the gospel but also have love and companionship without hiding, shame or fear.

Can we all take a moment to think about how things feel from another's perspective and feeling? And seek for more understanding and empathy instead of name calling and pointing fingers, since unless we ask, listen and empathize we can never truly or fully have any understanding of someone else's motives or intent.

So lets talk about fear for a minute - so much of what happens in our society these days is all based on fear. And when fear is present in us, we cannot respond with empathy because fear makes situations or someone else's experience about ourselves. I read a very interesting article about tolerance yesterday that summed up so well much of the currently difficulties I feel we face especially in the LGBTQ community in connection and conjunction with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And addressed an underlying reason that fear seems to be such a ruling emotion in our society and discussions.

The article defines the more "original" definition of tolerance as - "To accept that a different or opposing position exists and deserves the right to exist; to accept the position itself means that one is no longer opposing it." However, there is a more current definition in which tolerance is defined as acceptance of all beliefs - meaning there is no ABSOLUTE truths - your truth is a valid as my truth and one is intolerant if there is any claim of absolute truth. 

"Tolerance in the first sense is an intellectual and spiritual virtue because it requires that we acknowledge that we do not necessarily have a monopoly on the truth. We dare not inhibit the expression of other ideas because humility insists that these might teach us something of value—or show us something we might be missing. And, even if we see ourselves as having an important truth to share with the world, an ethic of tolerance provides protection—in principle, at least—from being illegitimately silenced by others. This classic view of tolerance, then, assists in the crucial exchange of competing truth claims."

We have become so afraid of the "crucial exchange of competing truth claims" that we either resolutely claim any differing views are intolerant and any one who tries to state this competing claim is hateful, bigoted, etc. or we try to distance ourselves from the competing claim by standing on our moral high ground or soap box and throwing things to "knock someone out or knock some sense into them." 

Empathy requires the "original" definition of tolerance because with empathy we aren't afraid of competing truth claims. We can hold to our truth while kindly and empathetically listening and identifying with (not necessarily agreeing with) someone else's perspectives and feelings. We tap into ourselves and the difficult emotions we all have experienced at some point, even if it was in different circumstances. We listen. We seek understanding. 

We open ourselves to feeling what they are feeling. 

And that is the scariest part I think. We run from difficult emotions in our own lives so much, we can't possibly even think about being present for someone else's difficult emotions. So we shame. Or call names. Or point fingers. All to distance ourselves from these difficult emotions. 

Will you do something for me? Will you click on this link and watch this video from Brene Brown and think about how you can strive for empathy. To be willing to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.

If change is ever going to happen, we must start here. I feel such sadness in how things are with the LGBTQ community and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have had so many thoughts about my place as a member of The Church given the reality of my experiences, but I have also had many defining and spiritual experiences that have given me a firm testimony of the gospel. So I hope to be part of creating a space for all where we can give empathy to those around us and not respond and react in fear to "competing truth claims" as we all strive to live, learn and love the Lord, ourselves and those around us. 

If you are wondering if there is a place for you in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is! There are people who are striving to live the gospel, honor their covenants and have relationships that uplift and encourage in that, even if we don't know what that will mean for us after this life - we are creating and holding that space. Can we see others as trying to do the best they can with their reality of life? Instead of pushing others out or away, can we take a moment to think how it must feel - ask and listen to each other's stories and perspectives and efforts to live and to live the gospel. None of us have a moral high ground to stand on, except the Savior and while He was and is love He also asked us to become more than we are and to become like Him.    

I need to tell you a story. Just over 3 years ago I wrote a very personal post. I talked about my journey and decisions about what direction I was going in my life (you can read the post here). Alot of things have happened in 3 years - heartache, learning, growth, and some very tender mercies. One thing that hasn't changed is what I wrote about in my blogpost 3 years ago. One of the most important and valuable things in my life is the gospel and my membership in the Church. Part of the journey of the last 3 years though has also been trying to find my place, to figure out what life will look like with the current reality that I live with and experience.

But let’s start with the happy news. I'm dating someone!! It's really exciting to me and a very happy thing.

She is an amazing person and has blessed my life greatly in a short amount of time. Yes, I said she.

But this isn't a "coming out," as personally I don't believe in that (no disrespect to anyone that has felt that was an important part of their journey. It just isn't for me). My identity is the same as it was 5 minutes ago before you read this post - I still simply identify as me, Cherilee Howden, who often overthinks things, is loyal, almost to a fault, tries to live and be better every day and has a VERY strong testimony of the Church and gospel but I've come to fully accept, at least this point in my life, I am not able to connect with men. I understand at least part of the reason for that, and despite alot of efforts it hasn't changed. I’ve decided though to be open about what’s going on for me. Nothing is worst than feeling the need to hide or lie about who you are with or what’s going on in your life.

However, this is a hard thing to talk about - I wish it wasn't such a difficult thing to be able to say. However, I have spent hours contemplating, praying, and working to find a space that works for me.

I know some of you will not understand or agree with my decision. I get that. I hope though that most of you will either take the time to talk to me to understand my whole story and where I'm at instead of making assumptions, or just avoid making assumptions altogether, as hard as that may be. I'm grateful for those people who I initially told who were all very kind and supportive (whether or not they agreed) and wanted to know where I was coming from and what led to my decision. And at times they asked hard questions. I'm not afraid of hard questions - I'd rather hard questions than blind assumptions. But to answer a few questions most of you probably have -

Are you leaving the Church? 

I have no intention of leaving the Church. I have a strong, firm testimony of the gospel and the Church and work hard to continue to strengthen that testimony and honor my covenants. I do think there needs to be and can be a space for those trying to live the gospel and honor their covenants to date, even if it is someone of their own gender. The important thing is living according to our covenants and honoring the law of chastity.

What does that mean for your future?

Hopefully, a lot of happy memories! But obviously, continuing to strive to live the gospel puts some difficult limits on the relationship. It can never progress past a dating relationship without compromising covenants I have made. I understand, recognize and accept that. There is something still supportive and connecting in a dating relationship that cannot be found in other types of relationships. I realize for some it doesn't seem fair it cannot progress and not jeopardize membership in the Church. However, despite my reality and ability to connect, I have a firm testimony of marriage between a man and woman. I have no idea how it is all going to work out in the next life, but because I know God loves His children - more than we can every really fully understand in this life, I do know it will work out somehow. And what I can do, is live according to His commandments now, to the best of my ability.

I also know it isn't fair - I see that as clearly as anyone. But at this point I also understand, life isn't fair - for anyone. I often think of this quote from Elder Renlund - "If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair. … Through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.” Because of the Savior the gospel brings more to my life than anything else every could, so I hold to the promises of the Lord and am trying my best to live according to the promises I've made. 

Why are you sharing this now? 

As I said above, alot of things have happened in the last few years that have made me look at myself, my circumstances, what I want most, how I can create a space for deep connection and a relationship within my strong testimony of the gospel. And I can see very clearly, how the Lord's hand has guided the whole situation and for there to be that possible space within the Church that has never seemed to be available before. So I wanted to share my experience and testimony. Too many are leaving the Church because it feels as if there is no space or place for them. I do not think we compromise on the Lord's teachings and commandments but I think we can do so much better and offering compassion, staying out of judgment of what we think someone is or isn't doing in living the gospel and let others know there is a place for them. We let them live their lives and support and encourage all to live the gospel fully and offer empathy and compassion.

What do you hope for, for anyone reading this?

I definitely hope for kindness towards myself but also others. I really would love to see in the Church a change of attitude towards anyone that we see as being different. I think we all can understand the desire to belong, to connect deeply with someone, to have a place and to receive kindness and compassion. We are all on a journey, making mistakes along the way, trying learn, repent, and become more like the Savior. I would hope we can all work to be less judgmental and focus on how we ourselves can live the gospel more fully and simply share love and encouragement to others to do the same. And I hope we can all strive to leave assumptions at the door - they have no place in the gospel, in our wards and in our homes. Lets create a space where we stand for truth as the Savior always did but also always showed love.

Have you ever had a crisis of faith? Have you ever questioned your faith? Have you ever wondered if you really understood what faith is? Have you ever wondered if you really believed what you thought you believed?


I think sometimes we are afraid of questioning our faith, and trying to understand more about faith and our own personal faith. For me, faith isn't faith, without Jesus Christ. My faith is centered around Him. But in the last couple of years my faith has evolved - it has hopefully grown, at times felt like it was shrinking, and sometimes I wondered if I even knew what faith really was.

 Over the past couple of years, there have been some pretty consistent things that have contributed to my journey in faith.

One was that over the years I've been a member of The LDS Church, I've read or heard probably thousands of stories about miracles that came because of some one's faith in Jesus Christ. Miraculous stories of healing, answered prayers, missionary opportunities, etc. I've always loved stories like this, but the past few years I started to wonder. See for years (probably close to 20 years) I've prayed for a miracle. I prayed, cried and pleaded for a personal miracle. But it didn't and hasn't happened. So I began to wonder if my faith wasn't good enough. If I wasn't doing something "right" in order that I could receive a miracle like the thousands and thousands of others that I had read about.

Another contributing factor was I made some mistakes and choices I never thought I would make. Not that any of us ever "plan" to make mistakes, but perhaps because I probably at some time or another had thought, "I'll never struggle with such and such," I found myself struggling with that very thing. And it made me question whether I really had the faith that I thought I had.

Lastly, I began to struggle to feel I was receiving personal revelation. What at times in the past had felt easy to feel and recognize, I could seem to tell when or if I was receiving answers and guidance to questions I had sought help for in my prayers. I felt I was still striving to live the gospel, keep the commandments, repent, etc. as I had in the past but it just seemed like a think curtain was between me and the Lord. Answers just wouldn't seem to come. And one of the biggest places I had received personal revelation and guidance was in my writing. Every single blogpost I've written, I would at times try to write, it wouldn't come but one day it would just feel right and the words would just flow out of me. But I would sit down, time and time again with what I thought was a wonderful idea and after much prayer and struggling, nothing seemed to come.

I began to feel very frustrated and to question myself and my understanding of faith and my ability to have faith. But then some things happened.

Not the miracles I expected, and nothing I had necessarily been asking for or seeking, but miracles nonetheless that showed me once again, the Lord knew me, He was hearing and answering my prayers, just not in the ways I had looked for or perhaps expected. And only now am I beginning to see how several things have built on each other, that at the time I couldn't seem them very clearly as the miracles they were.

April or May of this year I found out I would need to move before August. Now, don't get me wrong - 3 months should be plenty of time to found a new place to live. Given my personality, I got right on trying to find a place to live. I searched and searched, visited quite a few places, put in a bunch of applications but kept not getting the places I applied for. Even though it hadn't been long I started to get frustrated because I felt I was putting in the work and had asked for the Lord's help. So one day I went to the temple after work. I felt inspired that it appropriate to put my name on the temple roll - something I'd never felt I should do and hadn't done before. But I did it because I wanted the additional help! As I got out of the temple and turned my phone on I had a messaged from a potential place I'd texted about earlier. I had been sent shortly after I went into the temple so I worried I was too late. I hurried and called, and it wasn't too late! In fact, I was able to go directly from the temple to view the rental. It seemed a good fit, so I immediately asked the landlord how I could move forward. She emailed me an application, which I filled out right away and sent back. The next day she contacted my references and later that day said they wanted to offer the place to me!

I couldn't believe it! I wasn't the first in line, but something, somehow just worked and it all came together. Some might call it a coincidence but I don't believe in coincidences :)

Fast forward a couple months, I was glad to have a place to live but wasn't particularly enjoying the ward I was in. It is a very young, married ward which is tough for a few reasons. It's always a little tough for me to make friends and I was struggling to have the emotional energy to even try. Then I found out the ward was getting a new Bishop. It hadn't been long enough that I'd really gotten to know the Bishop well yet, but my experience has generally been that I don't feel the Bishop really knows or cares about me personally in most of the wards I've been in. And now I wasn't sure how I felt about getting another new Bishop.

A week before the new Bishop was called, I spoke in Sacrament meeting. After Sacrament meeting before Sunday School started, a guy in the ward sat down in front of me and complimented me on my talk and we chatted for a few minutes until his wife got there and then chatted a couple more minutes. It wasn't a long or even really significant conversation but it was a nice conversation and it is always nice when someone says you did a good job and felt uplifted by something you shared.

I didn't think much of this interaction until next Sunday when that guy was called to be the Bishop. And as he was called and the speakers spoke, one of the woman said, "He has very kind eyes." At that moment I thought, "He does, and he was very kind last week." And then the Spirit witnessed to me, that the Lord had called him to be Bishop. It was a great tender mercy as I felt at that moment that I could rely and trust him as my Bishop.

Another month fast forward, and I got called in to meet with the Bishop. I had a feeling beforehand what was coming, and sure enough I was right. I got asked to be the Relief Society President. This was/is a calling I definitely don't inspire to hold. I don't really feel qualified or the best person for the calling and responsibilities. But while my faith has taken me on a journey the past while, I still have a firm testimony of accepting whatever callings are extended. I then needed to decide who I wanted as my counselors. One name came to mind almost immediately after the calling was extended. What was funny about it, was it was for someone I had only met once semi-briefly.

The week before the calling was extended, we had some visits scheduled for Relief Society. I was serving as the 2nd Counselor and among the visits scheduled I happened to be the one to go visit a particular sister - the sister whose name came to mind immediately as a counselor. The visit was a great visit, though not that long and I have no doubt it wasn't a coincidence that I happened to be the one to visit her.

The name for my other counselor came only a couple hours later and was pretty clear. I'd also had minimal interaction with this sister, but it was a clear thought in my mind. Later, I found out she was from Payson and knew I must have made the right choice :P Thankfully both sisters accepted and have both been a huge support in the short weeks since we were called.


And it is amazing as I thought about the sequence and timing of so many things, how I knew the hand of the Lord was involved. There were clear experiences and situations that showed me He knew me, He was guiding me, and while the miracle(s) I've prayed so long for still haven't happened, He provides tender mercies along the way to buoy me up, give me help and direction and that my faith isn't in blessings. My faith is a complete trust in my Savior Jesus Christ, that miracles will come when it is the right and best time for me, and that He is always there helping and guiding and giving me the opportunities that can really help me become the very best I can.

Have you ever thought of yourself as broken?

I've thought alot about being broken the last year or so. Mostly because that is how I've felt at times - very broken. Broken in the sense of not working correctly. Broken in the sense of feeling shattered. Broken in the sense of not functioning properly.

We're all broken is some or multiple ways. Broken in our perspective of the world. Broken in our perspective of other people. Broken in how we love. Broken in who we love. Broken in how we love ourselves. Broken in how our bodies function or don't function. Broken in how our bodies work.

Sometimes we are broken because of choices we've made. Often, it is because of the choices of others' that affect us.

Growing up in the LDS Church I never really thought about being broken. Talking about brokenness is not something I really experienced in church. But one of the definitions of broken that I think encompasses all the other definitions is: "not complete or full." This definition fits fully within the doctrines of the Fall, our mortality and human nature. We believe that we aren't complete or full and won't be until after this life - after the resurrection and through the power of the Atonement. We are striving for perfection, which by definition is "complete or whole."

But it's interesting because broken does not have a good connotation and definition in our society. When something is broken, we very often get rid of it or throw it away. Broken lowers the value of something in our eyes or estimation. Basically broken is not a good thing.

So why does it matter to think of yourself as being broken?

The last couple of years I've gone through a broad range of thoughts, emotions, conclusions as I thought of myself as broken. There were times I felt worthless or of little value because of my brokenness. There were times of despair and heartache that my brokenness was affecting my everyday life and my relationships with others. There was a period where I felt very angry with God that after months and years of praying for help overcoming or to be healed it seemed that prayer was going unanswered. Other times I felt I should just embrace my brokenness and allow that to define who I was, how I lived my life and the choices I made in my life.

The world tells us either that we are worthless because we are broken, or since all of us are broken in some ways or others, today it is often - "That is just who you are. You aren't broken. Embrace and live it." It is a very alluring message - we all want to feel valued and that we aren't less because of our brokenness. But it causes us to miss out on the potential for much, much more.

One of my all times favorite thoughts is:

We are immortal beings having a mortal experience.

Our brokenness is a large and major part of our mortal experience. Our Heavenly Father allowed all of us to be broken because it wouldn't be easy. It would present a real and often difficult choice - would we still strive to follow Him and become like Him even with our brokenness? Would we allow our brokenness to define who were are and thus distance ourselves from Him? It would present a veritable test for all of us.



And the thing that often makes it more difficult - God has the power to heal our brokenness. For some of us, in some things, we will experience that healing power in this life. For others, we haven't yet and may never in this life. There was a time in my life where I felt that was so unfair. I felt that perhaps I was then beyond the power of the Atonement since my hours and hours on my knees, sobbing and asking for healing, which hasn't happened.

Because of that there was a time I did consider going a different direction (To Leave The Church or Not). Of turning from God instead of to Him. But I've learned some things in the ensuing months - I'm not less in God's eyes because I'm broken. That it is very possible I will deal with the most difficult aspects of my brokenness for my entire life. But that my brokenness does not define who I am - it is a part of mortality but I am only a mortal being right now. So who do I want to be in the eternities when my complete and full nature is revealed in the resurrection?

I want to have sought daily to be more like the Savior. That is what I want to embrace - my efforts to allow my nature to slowly be molded over time to become truly like Him. To gain characteristics and attributes that are only possible to gain through much struggle and trial. I want my brokenness to direct me to Him and that power of the Atonement, which may not heal me right now or in this life, but daily can give me the strength to change and become better. And that means that right now, I have to give up some things I think I want right now, for what and who I want to be in the eternities - even when I'm not sure exactly how it will look or things will work out.

But something I know beyond a shadow of a doubt - some how they will and it will be more glorious and magnificent than I can even imagine. And the things I "gave up" in this life, won't feel like I gave anything up.

Lately I've seen a number of articles/posts where people are telling their stories of why they left The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I think of Neon Trees singer who has very publicly expressed deep anger and hurt towards the Church and renunciation of his LDS Church membership. First, I'll say I'm not criticizing anyone for the choices they feel are best for them, whether or not I agree with them. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have and how we feel.

But I wanted to share my thoughts about my recent experience examining and questioning my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my journey in making that choice. Perhaps there are other people out there that my story could help in some way.

My story actually began back shortly after I graduated from high school. I had grown up in the church, was baptized when I was 8, attended Young Women's and even received my Young Womenhood medallion. But after graduating from high school and moving away from home, I decided that I had been to church for 18 years, heard most of the same things over and over, so what was the point. So I stopped going to church for next year and a half or so. Life wasn't easy. I was still trying to find my way, figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. And often, I felt very, very alone.

One particular day, I was feeling especially down. Life didn't feel like it was worth much, or that I was worth much to life. I went to see a movie - Moulin Rouge to be exact. It was the second time I was going to see it. I had surprisingly really enjoyed the creativeness of the movie the first time I saw it. I went by myself and was sitting there thinking. Thinking that life didn't really feel very worth living. That there really wasn't a point. Now, I always get to movies early - I don't know why but I just do. That was the case this day. After a few minutes of my inner, dark contemplation an older man sat a few seats away from me. He turned to me and started to talk to me. He asked about me and my life and told me about him and about his wife who didn't happen to be with him that day. He was very kind and genuinely interested in my and my life. He talked to me the whole time until the movie started. About 5 minutes into the movie (now if you've seen Moulin Rouge you know it is about a courtesan or a high-end prostitute basically, so some could find it questionable) the man got up and left. Nothing much of course has happened yet in the movie, so I thought it was odd when he never came back.

By the end of the movie, I again acknowledged how odd it was that the man had come to the movie, left 5 minutes in and never came back. As I thought this, suddenly another thought jumped into my head - it was like someone was talking to me. It was Heavenly Father saying to me, "He was there for you. I want you to know that I know you and I love you. That man was there for you."

Still to this day, talking or sharing that experience brings me to tears and I remember vividly that voice in my head and how I felt. I knew at that moment and in the time since so indelibly that Heavenly Father knew and knows me and He loves me more than I can ever understand. That experience was definitely one of those times in my life that can be classified as a defining moment. It began my journey of gaining a testimony of the gospel and becoming active again in the Church.

Fast forward about 13-14 years. In the years since that experience I have had a number of other very significant and defining moments about my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it's doctrines. I've felt pretty secure in my testimony and have worked to strengthen it. But as I've progressed into my 30's and haven't gotten married it has some times been difficult - not just difficult - very, very difficult. I think especially so in the last 5 months or so because I finally left the YSA Ward and joined the family ward. Ironically enough, I left the YSA Ward because the age gap was just becoming very apparent and I felt alot older than most in the ward, to join a VERY young family ward. The average age of the family ward I'm in is probably late 20's. So now I'm part of a ward where the majority are younger but they are married with kids - often several of them!

And while I really want to get married - I've acknowledged and accepted for myself the difficulty I have in connecting with men (read this post for more back story on that) which makes the concept or even prospect of marriage seem very impossible. And while I believe God is a god of miracles, I'm not sure this is one miracle I'm going to see in this life. Combined with some other very personal turmoil over the last couple of years, about a month and a half ago I just felt very frustrated.

To the point that one day I asked myself, "What if I'm wrong? What if none of this is really true? Am I missing out on a life, experiences or relationships that would really make me happy? What if I went another direction than I have been for the past 14 years?"

While some may be horrified at the thought of questioning your testimony, it didn't scare me. It was what I had done for years while getting my undergrad - having questions that made me examine and really ask myself if I believed things I said I did. I always came out stronger and with a firm understanding of what I knew and really believed. So for myself, I felt it was important to give place, time and thought to these questions.

For weeks these questions occupied my mind and I thought about them all the time. I felt alot of confusion and inner turmoil.

"What if?"

"What if?"

"What if?"

"What would bring me the most happiness?"

"What would be best for me?"

But my mind would always go back to that moment in the theater - when I felt so clearly that God was there, He knew me and loved me. I really did know that what I believed was true. I didn't know or understand everything, but I knew many, many things. And I knew those things by study, faith, prayer and many experiences that wrote them very clearly on my heart and mind.

But the question still persisted - "Would I be happy going a different direction - pursuing other relationships?" Being alone is hard - so very, very hard. And struggling to make connections with the possibility of it leading to marriage makes it even harder. So I really wondered if perhaps I should go a different direction.

It all came to a head when in my pondering I realized that if I went a different direction, my relationship with Heavenly Father would be different. He would always love me, but I would be unable to be as close to Him, because we can't expect to go against things He commands and still have the Spirit with us. And without the Spirit we cannot feel or be as close to Him. I thought about how I wouldn't be able to go to the temple anymore. Or hold a calling. Or partake of the sacrament.

And in that moment I knew without a doubt - I couldn't truly be happy without those things. Without a close, personal relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, enhanced by the companionship of the Holy Ghost. How I wouldn't give up that "peace that passeth all understanding" that I've only ever felt and experienced in the temple. How I wanted the strength and help of the Savior's Atonement that is only available as we live in repentance and strive to keep Heavenly Father's commandments.

I didn't want the personal turmoil, or to feel alone and/or lonely. I didn't want to wonder at times at my place in the Church or my contribution to society. But more than anything I want to do what God asks. And He does ask us to make choices - hard choices. To give up things we want with all our heart. To choose Him above all else (God Does Tell Us Who To Love).

And I wanted to share this, though it is difficult because it is very personal, because perhaps there is someone else that is struggling. That has wondered, "What if?" or is currently wondering. That wonders what they really do know or believe. And I want to say - Don't give up. Keep doing the things that allow you to feel the Spirit and receive strength through the Atonement. Repentance. Scripture study. Temple attendance. Partaking of the sacrament. Fasting. Praying.

Do those things until you get a clear answer. It may take time - more time than you think it should take. More time than you think you can keep going. But keep going and keep doing. The answer will come.

Heavenly Father and the Savior are real. I know this even though I've never seen them. In fact, I know it more clearly and surely than so many things I have seen or heard. And I KNOW they love us. They love you and they love me. But there will be difficult times. We will be asked to make sacrifices - to choose God above all else. But one other thing I know - all will be right in the end. I don't have any idea how it will be made right - how it will all work out. But I trust God and know that He loves me more than I can ever understand, and that because of that it, however it will all work out will be more magnificent than I can ever imagine. So I trust in that and I trust in Him.

I hate what our society has done to connection. Hate it, hate it.

People need connection -

Society has allowed hugging to be a little "safer" as we often hug friends of either gender, but it is almost as if we have a timer or a thought in our mind that we can only hug "briefly" or it must mean something romantic.

Love is such an interesting thing. In our society today, love is confused with attraction and talked about in a way that gives the illusion we have no control over it. But lately I've been thinking a great deal about what God tells us about love. Love is mentioned often in scripture and the other day I realized something -


Matthew 22:37-38 says - "Jesus said unto him, Though shalt love the Lord they God with all they heart, and with all they soul, and with all they mind. THIS is the first and great commandment" (emphasis added).

God wants us to love Him first. Above all other people or things. Which means it may be asked of us to give up someone we love because loving them means we won't be putting God first, which means keeping ALL His commandments. Again in Matthew we read, "He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."
In other words, we aren't to love anyone more than God.

In a great talk, The Great Commandment -- Love the Lord, given a number of years ago, President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Can we put God ahead of security, peace, passions, wealth, and the honors of men? When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities."


Awhile ago I had a conversation with a friend about same gender couples and how it wasn't right that the Church would say that people can't love those they love. I agreed that it was a heart-wrenching thing that seemed very unfair. It is so hard when what you feel and want seems to be denied to you. I understand the questions of why would God ever ask that or do that to someone? I don't why some things are the way they are; the whole why behind who we are attracted to (mostly because I think this is a complicated formula that consists of many factors) and the complicated thing we call love. Ultimately, the gospel doesn't tell us who we can't love but tells us who we should love and who should come first in our love and all our affections.

People have given up family, wealth, position and even their very lives for this gospel, so though sometimes it definitely isn't fair (I'm sure all those people that gave up those things would say it didn't feel fair) they were willing to do it because loving God should come before anything else and for most of us we will be asked to give up something if we strive to live the gospel with our whole hearts, minds and strengths!

The thing is, God doesn't ask us to put Him first and to love Him above all else because He needs an ego boost. God doesn't ask us to love Him for Him - if He did, He wouldn't love all those that don't love Him. He asks us to love Him and put Him first for US.

For a couple years after I turned 18 I was inactive from the Church. Back then, I figured I had been there, and done that for 18 years and that was enough. But one day a couple years after I had stopped going to church, I went to see a movie on my own. I was sitting there before the movie started feeling extremely discouraged about life and feeling like there was no purpose to me being there. A few seats down and older gentleman sat down and he began to talk to me, asking how I was, about my life, sharing things about his life and his wife. He was very kind and showed a genuine interest and concern about me - someone he didn't even know. When the movie started, it had only been about 5 minutes into the movie, he got up and left. He never came back. As the movie was finishing, I started to think about how odd that was - nothing questionable had happened in the movie - not much happens in the first 5 minutes, so I wondered why he had left and why he had come to the movie.

Just then, a thought came to my mind that was very powerful and not my own - it said, "That man was there for you because I want you to know that I know you, am aware of you, and that I love you." That started my journey to gaining my own testimony of the gospel and gave my testimony the foundation that God loved me. In the years since then, I've had numerous experiences and confirmations until I have no doubt in my mind of God's love for me and each of us. That He loves us more than we can even comprehend, and that what He asks is ALWAYS the best for us, even if it doesn't seem or feel that way at the time.  


Mark 10:29-30 tells us, "And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters or father or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world come eternal life."

As Preach My Gospel says so well, "All that is unfair about this life will be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ." I don't how this will be. I don't know how the heartache we've each suffered and the difficulty we faced when we give up people we love, or a life we feel and want can be made right but because I know the Lord loves us more than we comprehend I know it will be. And it will be more glorious and wonderful and worth everything I gave up in this life to strive to follow Him and love Him before anyone or anything in this life.

And He does not leave us alone. He knows when our hearts are breaking because we are trying to put Him first. I know He will succor us and helps us through ANYTHING if we turn to Him and through doing the things He asks us to do - reading our scriptures, prayer, living in a repentant state, attending church, partaking of the sacrament, attending the temple. Each of these things bring the power of the Lord into our life and allow the enabling power of the Atonement to flow through us. It doesn't mean our hearts will be changed (though that is possible) or that who we are attracted to will suddenly change, or our family will accept us and the gospel or that it won't hurt beyond what we ever thought we could withstand. But it does mean the Lord will bless us with the strength to keep moving forward and to feel peace and joy. It will take effort and desire but the help is there.


His arms are always outstretched. He loves us and asks us to love Him so we can be changed so one day we can be like Him and live with Him being able to receive all He has.

For me that means, I will take each day as it comes, accepting that some days and things are going to hurt beyond measure but trusting in a love I know more surely than anything else.