Social control is best managed 

through fear

Michael Crichton

If I can make you afraid that gay people are out to destroy families…

If I can make you afraid a transgender person isn’t mentally sound and has been 

brainwashed…

If I can make you afraid those seeking abortions are selfish and want to kill babies…

If I can make you afraid that critical race theory is used to indoctrinate your children…

If I can make you afraid that illegal immigrants are being used to take over your country…

If I can make you afraid that other races are trying to steal your national identity…

If I can make you afraid that you cannot protect yourself without your guns…

Then I can control you

If we stop and think for a minute, can we see that the true “enemy” of this nation isn’t the gays, transgendered, immigrants, the woman who got an abortion, someone who teaches CRT, and seeks for gun control…

It is our politicians who use differences to engender fear in order to stay in power. Who will say anything and everything in order to generate fear so that we think we must rely on them to “save” us and our nation.

The truth is, gay people are just trying to do the best they can like everyone else. They may struggle to understand their feelings and at some point in their life, if not currently, they struggle with self-loathing and a sense of helplessness or hopelessness. 

Can we focus on those things that are truly destroying families? 

• Child Abuse

• Infidelity

• Sex Trafficking

• Drug or Substance Abuse

• Pornography Addiction

The truth is, transgender people struggle to understand their identity and perhaps the body they have. Their feelings have nothing to do with whether they played certain sports as a kid or acted like a “tom-boy”. They may feel trapped in a body that just doesn’t feel right but not because someone else told them so.  

The truth is, abortion is an extremely complicated issue. Have you ever talked with a woman that had an abortion? The huge majority spent agonizing hours, days, or weeks trying to make the decision. Some felt so trapped by life or the circumstances they found themselves in that it seemed there was no other option. Extreme desperation leads to difficult choices - choices we think we would never make when we are in place of comfort. 

The truth is, critical race theory seeks to help us recognize and acknowledge the atrocities of the past that were based on race. And that social structures exist that continue to perpetuate racism. My identity isn’t less or threatened when I acknowledge and seek to do what I can to change those societal structures.

The truth is, the comfort in America makes us blind to the difficulties many face in other countries and nations. Our country was built on people’s desire for something better or different. With a long and complicated and perhaps impossible process for some, trying a different way seems the only option for perhaps a better, safer life.

The truth is, history clearly shows us what can happen when a nationality/race seeks supremacy. The ability of the everyday person to ignore or even participate in the killing of their neighbor in horrific and savage ways. That our identity as a human being should be primary over all, allowing space for different races and identities that do not truly threaten our identity. 

The truth is, guns kill people in the hands of other people. Guns can play an important role in our democracy, but how many of us truly can use that weapon responsibly? That in a truly dangerous time have had enough practice and training to use it effectively and correctly? Can we truly say that in our country gun ownership in many ways hasn’t simply become some sort of statement without real responsibility or understanding of their power and our ability to use that power?

The truth is, the more we listen to politicians and those in power, the less we are able to clearly and distinctly see others as human beings - 

Human, just like we are

This a fascinating question to me. I am fascinated by the implications of the question and the uncomfortableness experienced by people when asked to consider or answer the question. 

Can we feel empathy for the unworthy or those that aren't innocent? 

I have two experiences and an example I wanted to share that engage this question and thought. 

As many of you know, I got married in September. As most of you know, I'm also a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When it first was said or come to be known that I was dating my wife, for many my "worthiness" in their eyes suddenly changed. Shortly before we began dating officially, I had been released as the Relief Society President after serving 2 1/2 years. The timing was coincidental, but there were numerous comments about why I had been released. Then when we announced and got married, for some who had navigated the whole dating choice, their view of my worthiness changed drastically. 

I understand why it was a struggle for some - it was a struggle for myself and for my wife Jess. It was not a decision made lightly or easily, but there are reasons we made the decision we did. I am beyond appreciative for those that took the time to talk to us or me about our decision. And in the whole experience, I experienced something I realized up until that point I had never truly understood. 

One reason that we perhaps are afraid of empathy is we think showing love, kindness, listening and striving for understanding equals agreement. I've experienced this feeling myself. And when someone is making a choice, especially within the Church that we don't agree with, the cultural norm has become to let them know that we do not agree. To get on our soapbox and preach to them of what is right. And make it known that we DO NOT AGREE with their choice(s). 

I expected to receive that reaction a lot especially when we decided and began to announce we were getting married. There were a number of people in my life, people that had been great influences on my life, that I looked up to or considered lifelong friends, that I wasn't sure how they would react. I was worried that suddenly I would become unworthy or unlovable in their eyes, having committed a "huge" sin. 

Then something amazing happened with some of these people. Many reached out in kindness, offering words of love, understanding, kindness and good wishes. I felt their love. 

And then one day, a couple months after the wedding I realized something - many that had expressed good wishes, love, kindness, support and understanding, I had no idea what their stance was on same-sex marriage. I had no idea whether they agreed with it or not - they had simply shown empathy, love and kindness without feeling the need to give a commentary on whether or not they felt I was worthy. 

What is amazing is that wasn't what was important to them. Somehow they seemed to intuitively know it was a difficult choice and would continue to be difficult at times. They could be happy without telling me whether or not they agreed, or getting on a soapbox. Empathy isn't about right or wrong - it is about love. 

That leads to my other example. A couple weeks ago, Jess and I watched a TV show on the Unabomber. I remember vaguely when the events were actually going on, but they weren't super close to me and so I admit I didn't even know most of the facts around the case or the man who was eventually caught and convicted. But the show illustrated not only the pain and suffering of the victims but also some of the life experiences of the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. I couldn't help but feel sorrow and sadness for him and the things he had experienced. Of course, I can't in anyway justify what he did and excuse it because of the things that happened to him. But I can still feel empathy and love for the suffering of any other human being, without attaching criteria as to whether or not someone deserves that love. 

And lastly, one example I thought of when considering this question came from watching the movie The Chosen. If you haven't watched it, I recommend it. The movie focuses on Christ before and during His ministry. One of the Gospel writers was Matthew, and the movie gives us some additional things to think about in regards to Matthew that we don't get from the Bible from a cursory reading. One is that he was a publican. The Jews HATED the publicans. Probably as much if not more than the Samaritans. And the movie portrays Matthew as being very quirky or unique and not liked or respected even by his people. Perhaps he was, perhaps he wasn't - that isn't really what is important. What is important is how the movie portrays the Savior acting and interacting with Matthew. And as the Bible also tells, Matthew becomes one of the Savior's disciples. Someone the Jews would have considered unworthy and not innocent - he became one of the disciples. If anyone is an example of empathy, it is Jesus Christ - the ultimate innocent that still loves and reaches out to us, despite, in this case, our complete unworthiness and lack of innocence. 

The irony of the question is that we are all not innocent or worthy to a certain degree. We make mistakes - every single one of us. Yet, we often struggle to view others' mistakes with empathy, to not judge and to treat them kindly.

Perhaps because it reminds us of our own mortality. Our inability to avoid our own mistakes. So we view others and make a judgment on what we perceive to be their worthiness or unworthiness of our kindness, empathy and love. Do we let ourselves feel better by others' mistakes because we aren't making them or making as "big" of mistakes? 

Empathy requires that we tap into those hard emotions inside ourselves - to sit with someone in sorrow, shame, sadness, rage, and hopelessness. It isn't "pleasant" but it can be life changing for all of us. My hope is that we would all seek to feel empathy even for those we may initially think don't deserve it because one day that may be us.

But do we avoid thinking about it, talking about it or engaging in it to keep from feeling those difficult emotions? We stay "safe" in our judgment of others' worthiness or innocence because we never truly feel and engage with others. And we lose something truly valuable to ourselves and our society.

My hope is that we can all work to take the time to feel with others - to recognize our initial reaction to judge worthiness and withhold our kindness or love to soothe our consciences and avoid truly feeling those emotions that may be difficult. If we really want to change the world and ourselves, THIS is the first step.

Can I just tell you that I'm really tired of the pandemic? But worse is I'm really tired of the pandemic and people. The last few weeks in Utah we have seen a resurgence of cases of COVID and the continued refusals to wear masks, stay home when possibly being sick and even refusing to be tested. All the while there are still cries of rights being taken away or that we "just need to get back to normal life."

Now, I'm going to be really frank—something that may not be appreciated by everyone, but I want to share my thoughts on some of the more common things that have been floating and flying around for months in regards to the pandemic and COVID that I've been shaking my head at for some time, but it seems to be getting worse!!

I understand the inconvenience of wearing a mask and that at times it is downright uncomfortable. I went for a walk this afternoon with my wife and a kind ward member, and we all wore masks. Not very fun when walking uphill and trying to have a conversation. But my wife, Jess, has MS—she is in the high-risk category and I am afraid of her catching COVID and experiencing severe symptoms or even worse. 

I understand the economy is struggling as are families because of shut downs. It is difficult and has put immense pressure and burdens on families and individuals as they try to cope with the loss of jobs, the uncertainty of finances or potentially bleak looking future. 

But what has scared and frustrated me the most, is the apparent lack of regard for other people and the potential for harm that exists both for those we don't know, but perhaps even our loved ones. 

Who are we, Utah?!?

Who are we, America?!?

Are we really a people that only care about ourselves, what we consider to be "our rights," and show a complete lack of empathy or common sense in regards to the potential infection or death of those around us?

So let's take a step back for a minute - do you know where the saying came from, "Going to hell in a handbasket"? I didn't either so I looked it up. The saying referred to the gold rush of 1949 where men were lowered by hand in baskets down mining shafts to set dynamite. If there was a problem or they did not get out quick enough, it was referred to as "going to hell in a handbasket."

And I realized how applicable it could be to where we are right now!

It’s like we’ve all been lowered into the mine together. We will be able to get out eventually but not yet. So we are all down there with the dynamite - with something that if everyone isn’t cautious and careful could kill many people and injure many more. Therefore, if we are going to all be safe it requires the caution, concern and care of those around us.

But the coronavirus is just a conspiracy!! We are all being scammed!

Honestly, this one is so hard for me to hear. Can we take just a minute to think/talk about this statement or belief? 

So all of the people who have had COVID, all of the people who died from COVID or complications of COVID, all of the leaders who have talked about it, all of the scientists and medical experts that have discussed it, and all of the local doctors and hospitals that have shared about treating patients—they are all just lying about it? 

What is their purpose in lying about it? All these completely unrelated people just one day decided they were going to collectively deceive the American people? 

They are trying to control us and take away our rights!

Others begin throwing the dynamite around. People plead with them to not throw it around and those that have worked in the mines for a long time that are experts in dynamite tell them of the danger. But they refuse to comply saying that, “No one can tell them what to do. They have rights.” So even though the entire mine is threatened, they stomp their feet and refuse to comply.

I've heard many statements about the government trying to control us and that wearing masks and following social distancing is just the government's way to control us and make us compliant. 

Please tell me though, what rights are being taken away? 

The right to express ourselves? 

We clearly know that one is not being trampled. Just get on social media for a minute.

The right to believe as we wish? 

We can still believe as we wish. I'm not seeing anyone saying otherwise.

The right to assemble? The right to freedom of press? 

None of these freedoms are being taken away by being asked or even required to wear a mask and practice social distancing.

The difficult part? In America, do we believe that a right is to act whatever way we choose with not having to face or even acknowledge the effect or consequences on other people? 

Is that who we really want to be as an individual and as a people? Considering inconvenience and our difficulty as the most important matter that supersedes all else including the possible death or immense illness for others? 

Well we just need to go back to normal! If you are high-risk than YOU can take extra precautions but the rest of us just need to get back to life. 

Soon people get tired of being down in the mine. Some start saying we just need to get back to it, which means just setting off the dynamite. This will hurt a lot of people potentially but for those that are tired of it, they insist it is the best way.

I honestly wish these statements could be true. That those that were high-risk could just take extra precautions and everyone else could just get back to it. But the infection isn't predictable. It affects some people that aren't high-risk very badly. And the way the virus works and spreads, those that are high-risk would have to have no contact or never leave their houses at all in order to be safe. What kind of life is that? Simply so we don't have to wear a mask or practice social distancing. 

And just consider for a moment—if someone YOU love were to catch the virus and die. It is a possibility for all of us. And it becomes a much scarier factor when we consider how it could affect us personally. I don't think any one of us want someone we love to suffer and die. 

So if wearing a mask, practicing social distancing, getting tested if we suspect we are ill so we can do all we can to avoid exposing others are the things that can make the biggest difference in turning things around, avoiding more and more deaths, the overwhelming of hospitals and healthcare workers...

WHY AREN'T WE DOING THEM? 

Please, please, please think about those you love. Think outside your little world to the people that
others love. Think about the healthcare workers. Let's stop thinking about only ourselves, sacrifice for the betterment of all those around us, and let us do what we can do that will lead to something better. If we cry and cry about all the reasons we don't like the pandemic, spout our theories of why it is happening or who is causing it or how we think the leaders of our state or country have failed, can we take a step back and look in the mirror and consider perhaps we need to do something different. 

Utah, let's step up to the ideals we so often preach and try coming together. What we are doing isn't working and the virus is spreading rapidly and there is a threat to the things we all hope to get back to as soon as possible. So let's instead all try something different and follow the suggestions of hundreds to thousands of doctors and scientists and really doing our personal part to slow the spread of the coronavirus.

Most of the time you would hear,
"Congratulations!"
"That is wonderful news!"
"We are so happy for you!"

I have had so many thoughts lately - alot of things have happened for me personally and in the world and our society that have potential effect on me and my life and many people.

One thing there has been alot of uproar about, from many people and perspectives is what happened at BYU with the Honor Code. I'm not going to debate what actually happened as it really is impossible for any of us to know the full scope behind the original decision and changes made, the interpretations of the changes and the subsequent clarification. BYU is a private school and does have the right to set what standards it requires for students to attend and each student gets to decide whether or not they want/will live by those standards. However, I do wish things had been handled differently, which could have led to alot less difficulty on all sides. The blame and accusations have been flying as well as plenty of name calling. Whether or not you thought the changes meant that same gender couples could now date and express affection as BYU students, can we think for a moment why students may have had that interpretation? Regardless of your personal beliefs, empathy encourages us to simply think of something from someone else's position and understanding and then connect with what emotions they would feel in that position.

Yes, I know as BYU students they signed the Honor Code and agreed to live by it. I know that an underlying core doctrine of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that marriage is between a man and a woman and that exaltation is to become like God with eternal families based on marriage between a man and a woman. Despite my personal feelings and my experience I do have a strong testimony of those doctrines, even though I have no idea what that means for me.

What I would hope is that regardless of our personal beliefs, that we can take a moment to think about how that FEELS - for anyone and everyone?

 I know many members of The Church feel attacked - they feel the LGBTQ community is trying to destroy the family. To force changes that go against underlying doctrine. I can understand the fear in that, or the anger or the frustration.

I can also understand the hope felt with the changes to the Honor Code after potentially years and years of turmoil trying to understand feelings and attractions you have when many in something you consider to be part of yourself and a core piece of your identity call you evil, or broken or that if you just had enough faith or prayed better, harder, more, that God would "fix" you, to then think that maybe there was finally some space for you to try and live the gospel but also have love and companionship without hiding, shame or fear.

Can we all take a moment to think about how things feel from another's perspective and feeling? And seek for more understanding and empathy instead of name calling and pointing fingers, since unless we ask, listen and empathize we can never truly or fully have any understanding of someone else's motives or intent.

So lets talk about fear for a minute - so much of what happens in our society these days is all based on fear. And when fear is present in us, we cannot respond with empathy because fear makes situations or someone else's experience about ourselves. I read a very interesting article about tolerance yesterday that summed up so well much of the currently difficulties I feel we face especially in the LGBTQ community in connection and conjunction with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And addressed an underlying reason that fear seems to be such a ruling emotion in our society and discussions.

The article defines the more "original" definition of tolerance as - "To accept that a different or opposing position exists and deserves the right to exist; to accept the position itself means that one is no longer opposing it." However, there is a more current definition in which tolerance is defined as acceptance of all beliefs - meaning there is no ABSOLUTE truths - your truth is a valid as my truth and one is intolerant if there is any claim of absolute truth. 

"Tolerance in the first sense is an intellectual and spiritual virtue because it requires that we acknowledge that we do not necessarily have a monopoly on the truth. We dare not inhibit the expression of other ideas because humility insists that these might teach us something of value—or show us something we might be missing. And, even if we see ourselves as having an important truth to share with the world, an ethic of tolerance provides protection—in principle, at least—from being illegitimately silenced by others. This classic view of tolerance, then, assists in the crucial exchange of competing truth claims."

We have become so afraid of the "crucial exchange of competing truth claims" that we either resolutely claim any differing views are intolerant and any one who tries to state this competing claim is hateful, bigoted, etc. or we try to distance ourselves from the competing claim by standing on our moral high ground or soap box and throwing things to "knock someone out or knock some sense into them." 

Empathy requires the "original" definition of tolerance because with empathy we aren't afraid of competing truth claims. We can hold to our truth while kindly and empathetically listening and identifying with (not necessarily agreeing with) someone else's perspectives and feelings. We tap into ourselves and the difficult emotions we all have experienced at some point, even if it was in different circumstances. We listen. We seek understanding. 

We open ourselves to feeling what they are feeling. 

And that is the scariest part I think. We run from difficult emotions in our own lives so much, we can't possibly even think about being present for someone else's difficult emotions. So we shame. Or call names. Or point fingers. All to distance ourselves from these difficult emotions. 

Will you do something for me? Will you click on this link and watch this video from Brene Brown and think about how you can strive for empathy. To be willing to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.

If change is ever going to happen, we must start here. I feel such sadness in how things are with the LGBTQ community and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have had so many thoughts about my place as a member of The Church given the reality of my experiences, but I have also had many defining and spiritual experiences that have given me a firm testimony of the gospel. So I hope to be part of creating a space for all where we can give empathy to those around us and not respond and react in fear to "competing truth claims" as we all strive to live, learn and love the Lord, ourselves and those around us. 

If you are wondering if there is a place for you in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is! There are people who are striving to live the gospel, honor their covenants and have relationships that uplift and encourage in that, even if we don't know what that will mean for us after this life - we are creating and holding that space. Can we see others as trying to do the best they can with their reality of life? Instead of pushing others out or away, can we take a moment to think how it must feel - ask and listen to each other's stories and perspectives and efforts to live and to live the gospel. None of us have a moral high ground to stand on, except the Savior and while He was and is love He also asked us to become more than we are and to become like Him.    

I need to tell you a story. Just over 3 years ago I wrote a very personal post. I talked about my journey and decisions about what direction I was going in my life (you can read the post here). Alot of things have happened in 3 years - heartache, learning, growth, and some very tender mercies. One thing that hasn't changed is what I wrote about in my blogpost 3 years ago. One of the most important and valuable things in my life is the gospel and my membership in the Church. Part of the journey of the last 3 years though has also been trying to find my place, to figure out what life will look like with the current reality that I live with and experience.

But let’s start with the happy news. I'm dating someone!! It's really exciting to me and a very happy thing.

She is an amazing person and has blessed my life greatly in a short amount of time. Yes, I said she.

But this isn't a "coming out," as personally I don't believe in that (no disrespect to anyone that has felt that was an important part of their journey. It just isn't for me). My identity is the same as it was 5 minutes ago before you read this post - I still simply identify as me, Cherilee Howden, who often overthinks things, is loyal, almost to a fault, tries to live and be better every day and has a VERY strong testimony of the Church and gospel but I've come to fully accept, at least this point in my life, I am not able to connect with men. I understand at least part of the reason for that, and despite alot of efforts it hasn't changed. I’ve decided though to be open about what’s going on for me. Nothing is worst than feeling the need to hide or lie about who you are with or what’s going on in your life.

However, this is a hard thing to talk about - I wish it wasn't such a difficult thing to be able to say. However, I have spent hours contemplating, praying, and working to find a space that works for me.

I know some of you will not understand or agree with my decision. I get that. I hope though that most of you will either take the time to talk to me to understand my whole story and where I'm at instead of making assumptions, or just avoid making assumptions altogether, as hard as that may be. I'm grateful for those people who I initially told who were all very kind and supportive (whether or not they agreed) and wanted to know where I was coming from and what led to my decision. And at times they asked hard questions. I'm not afraid of hard questions - I'd rather hard questions than blind assumptions. But to answer a few questions most of you probably have -

Are you leaving the Church? 

I have no intention of leaving the Church. I have a strong, firm testimony of the gospel and the Church and work hard to continue to strengthen that testimony and honor my covenants. I do think there needs to be and can be a space for those trying to live the gospel and honor their covenants to date, even if it is someone of their own gender. The important thing is living according to our covenants and honoring the law of chastity.

What does that mean for your future?

Hopefully, a lot of happy memories! But obviously, continuing to strive to live the gospel puts some difficult limits on the relationship. It can never progress past a dating relationship without compromising covenants I have made. I understand, recognize and accept that. There is something still supportive and connecting in a dating relationship that cannot be found in other types of relationships. I realize for some it doesn't seem fair it cannot progress and not jeopardize membership in the Church. However, despite my reality and ability to connect, I have a firm testimony of marriage between a man and woman. I have no idea how it is all going to work out in the next life, but because I know God loves His children - more than we can every really fully understand in this life, I do know it will work out somehow. And what I can do, is live according to His commandments now, to the best of my ability.

I also know it isn't fair - I see that as clearly as anyone. But at this point I also understand, life isn't fair - for anyone. I often think of this quote from Elder Renlund - "If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair. … Through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.” Because of the Savior the gospel brings more to my life than anything else every could, so I hold to the promises of the Lord and am trying my best to live according to the promises I've made. 

Why are you sharing this now? 

As I said above, alot of things have happened in the last few years that have made me look at myself, my circumstances, what I want most, how I can create a space for deep connection and a relationship within my strong testimony of the gospel. And I can see very clearly, how the Lord's hand has guided the whole situation and for there to be that possible space within the Church that has never seemed to be available before. So I wanted to share my experience and testimony. Too many are leaving the Church because it feels as if there is no space or place for them. I do not think we compromise on the Lord's teachings and commandments but I think we can do so much better and offering compassion, staying out of judgment of what we think someone is or isn't doing in living the gospel and let others know there is a place for them. We let them live their lives and support and encourage all to live the gospel fully and offer empathy and compassion.

What do you hope for, for anyone reading this?

I definitely hope for kindness towards myself but also others. I really would love to see in the Church a change of attitude towards anyone that we see as being different. I think we all can understand the desire to belong, to connect deeply with someone, to have a place and to receive kindness and compassion. We are all on a journey, making mistakes along the way, trying learn, repent, and become more like the Savior. I would hope we can all work to be less judgmental and focus on how we ourselves can live the gospel more fully and simply share love and encouragement to others to do the same. And I hope we can all strive to leave assumptions at the door - they have no place in the gospel, in our wards and in our homes. Lets create a space where we stand for truth as the Savior always did but also always showed love.

Have you ever had a crisis of faith? Have you ever questioned your faith? Have you ever wondered if you really understood what faith is? Have you ever wondered if you really believed what you thought you believed?


I think sometimes we are afraid of questioning our faith, and trying to understand more about faith and our own personal faith. For me, faith isn't faith, without Jesus Christ. My faith is centered around Him. But in the last couple of years my faith has evolved - it has hopefully grown, at times felt like it was shrinking, and sometimes I wondered if I even knew what faith really was.

 Over the past couple of years, there have been some pretty consistent things that have contributed to my journey in faith.

One was that over the years I've been a member of The LDS Church, I've read or heard probably thousands of stories about miracles that came because of some one's faith in Jesus Christ. Miraculous stories of healing, answered prayers, missionary opportunities, etc. I've always loved stories like this, but the past few years I started to wonder. See for years (probably close to 20 years) I've prayed for a miracle. I prayed, cried and pleaded for a personal miracle. But it didn't and hasn't happened. So I began to wonder if my faith wasn't good enough. If I wasn't doing something "right" in order that I could receive a miracle like the thousands and thousands of others that I had read about.

Another contributing factor was I made some mistakes and choices I never thought I would make. Not that any of us ever "plan" to make mistakes, but perhaps because I probably at some time or another had thought, "I'll never struggle with such and such," I found myself struggling with that very thing. And it made me question whether I really had the faith that I thought I had.

Lastly, I began to struggle to feel I was receiving personal revelation. What at times in the past had felt easy to feel and recognize, I could seem to tell when or if I was receiving answers and guidance to questions I had sought help for in my prayers. I felt I was still striving to live the gospel, keep the commandments, repent, etc. as I had in the past but it just seemed like a think curtain was between me and the Lord. Answers just wouldn't seem to come. And one of the biggest places I had received personal revelation and guidance was in my writing. Every single blogpost I've written, I would at times try to write, it wouldn't come but one day it would just feel right and the words would just flow out of me. But I would sit down, time and time again with what I thought was a wonderful idea and after much prayer and struggling, nothing seemed to come.

I began to feel very frustrated and to question myself and my understanding of faith and my ability to have faith. But then some things happened.

Not the miracles I expected, and nothing I had necessarily been asking for or seeking, but miracles nonetheless that showed me once again, the Lord knew me, He was hearing and answering my prayers, just not in the ways I had looked for or perhaps expected. And only now am I beginning to see how several things have built on each other, that at the time I couldn't seem them very clearly as the miracles they were.

April or May of this year I found out I would need to move before August. Now, don't get me wrong - 3 months should be plenty of time to found a new place to live. Given my personality, I got right on trying to find a place to live. I searched and searched, visited quite a few places, put in a bunch of applications but kept not getting the places I applied for. Even though it hadn't been long I started to get frustrated because I felt I was putting in the work and had asked for the Lord's help. So one day I went to the temple after work. I felt inspired that it appropriate to put my name on the temple roll - something I'd never felt I should do and hadn't done before. But I did it because I wanted the additional help! As I got out of the temple and turned my phone on I had a messaged from a potential place I'd texted about earlier. I had been sent shortly after I went into the temple so I worried I was too late. I hurried and called, and it wasn't too late! In fact, I was able to go directly from the temple to view the rental. It seemed a good fit, so I immediately asked the landlord how I could move forward. She emailed me an application, which I filled out right away and sent back. The next day she contacted my references and later that day said they wanted to offer the place to me!

I couldn't believe it! I wasn't the first in line, but something, somehow just worked and it all came together. Some might call it a coincidence but I don't believe in coincidences :)

Fast forward a couple months, I was glad to have a place to live but wasn't particularly enjoying the ward I was in. It is a very young, married ward which is tough for a few reasons. It's always a little tough for me to make friends and I was struggling to have the emotional energy to even try. Then I found out the ward was getting a new Bishop. It hadn't been long enough that I'd really gotten to know the Bishop well yet, but my experience has generally been that I don't feel the Bishop really knows or cares about me personally in most of the wards I've been in. And now I wasn't sure how I felt about getting another new Bishop.

A week before the new Bishop was called, I spoke in Sacrament meeting. After Sacrament meeting before Sunday School started, a guy in the ward sat down in front of me and complimented me on my talk and we chatted for a few minutes until his wife got there and then chatted a couple more minutes. It wasn't a long or even really significant conversation but it was a nice conversation and it is always nice when someone says you did a good job and felt uplifted by something you shared.

I didn't think much of this interaction until next Sunday when that guy was called to be the Bishop. And as he was called and the speakers spoke, one of the woman said, "He has very kind eyes." At that moment I thought, "He does, and he was very kind last week." And then the Spirit witnessed to me, that the Lord had called him to be Bishop. It was a great tender mercy as I felt at that moment that I could rely and trust him as my Bishop.

Another month fast forward, and I got called in to meet with the Bishop. I had a feeling beforehand what was coming, and sure enough I was right. I got asked to be the Relief Society President. This was/is a calling I definitely don't inspire to hold. I don't really feel qualified or the best person for the calling and responsibilities. But while my faith has taken me on a journey the past while, I still have a firm testimony of accepting whatever callings are extended. I then needed to decide who I wanted as my counselors. One name came to mind almost immediately after the calling was extended. What was funny about it, was it was for someone I had only met once semi-briefly.

The week before the calling was extended, we had some visits scheduled for Relief Society. I was serving as the 2nd Counselor and among the visits scheduled I happened to be the one to go visit a particular sister - the sister whose name came to mind immediately as a counselor. The visit was a great visit, though not that long and I have no doubt it wasn't a coincidence that I happened to be the one to visit her.

The name for my other counselor came only a couple hours later and was pretty clear. I'd also had minimal interaction with this sister, but it was a clear thought in my mind. Later, I found out she was from Payson and knew I must have made the right choice :P Thankfully both sisters accepted and have both been a huge support in the short weeks since we were called.


And it is amazing as I thought about the sequence and timing of so many things, how I knew the hand of the Lord was involved. There were clear experiences and situations that showed me He knew me, He was guiding me, and while the miracle(s) I've prayed so long for still haven't happened, He provides tender mercies along the way to buoy me up, give me help and direction and that my faith isn't in blessings. My faith is a complete trust in my Savior Jesus Christ, that miracles will come when it is the right and best time for me, and that He is always there helping and guiding and giving me the opportunities that can really help me become the very best I can.