Most of us feel alone or that we don't belong at different times in our lives. Usually at recurring times, periods, or situations. We want to feel that we belong, that we matter to others, that we are loved for who we are. This is in fact a need - this desire for love and belonging - Psychologist Abraham Maslow stated that human motivation is based on people seeking fulfillment and change through personal growth. In research Maslow created what is called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. After Physiological and Safety and Security needs we all have Love and Belonging needs.
No wonder we all struggle at times since this is a universal need for all of us. I've spent a lot of time over the past I don't know how many years, thinking about love and belonging. I've had too many days and times where I haven't felt loved or that I belonged and it is hard and a struggle to feel that way. Why can't people just act and treat me so I feel loved and that I belong?!
I've been fooled for quite some time. I studied needs for a long time and carefully examined and worked to understand my own needs - what they are, how to express them, how to ask for what I need, etc. So I've felt volatile when it just hasn't seemed to help me have that need filled.
But the
finally came on.
No one else can cause me to feel that I belong or even that I'm loved if I don't feel that way myself. If I walk into a room and think and really feel it then I feel I belong there. I have something to contribute and offer to this gathering and I have value then regardless of how anyone acts I still feel like I belong.
We cannot look for belonging and love outside ourselves. It is generated from within and then we feel it from without. Because if I don't feel that within, regardless of others actions I can always see or find ways that will "tell" me that I don't belong or why they don't love me.
It is like someone writing a story and we want to be part of the story so we ask them to write us in. But it isn't our story so we will never fully feel that we belong. We wander around feeling vulnerable and constantly want reassurance that they want us in the story but despite what they say we continue to feel foreign. Those aren't my trees, my world, my people - I don't fit here.
But when I tell my story it really is mine.
This weekend I realized the best and loudest voice that makes a difference?
MINE
The things I tell myself and the validation I give to myself make a bigger effect and have longer lasting results than anything else someone tells me.
I was feeling sad about a couple things that happened this past weekend - feeling like I was unimportant and didn't matter, etc, etc. Usually at this point I would start to get down on myself and the voice in my head would start saying not so nice of things to myself. And I would feel worse and worse about the situation. Then I would want someone else to tell me that I mattered, was loved and so forth.
But you know - people aren't just sitting by their phones waiting to be able to validate you :P So it either wouldn't happen or they would say things but it didn't feel like enough because
I STILL DIDN'T FEEL BETTER!
So this time I did something different (I've been working on what my last blogpost was about - if you missed it here it is I've Been Robbed!! ) when I was started feeling all those emotions and essentially was at that crossroad of heading down the "I don't belong or don't matter road" or experiencing my emotion but feeling validated I chose the latter road.
I took some time to talk to myself. I let myself know it was ok that I was feeling sad - I had a reason to feel sad. Then I gave myself a little internal hug. I could feel myself wanting to feel angry about being sad but I knew that was just a response to protect myself. So I told myself why I mattered to me. That I was important to me - that it would be alright even if it didn't feel alright at the moment. Then each time throughout the day when I would start feeling that same response when I would think of something or something else happened I did the same thing.
This may sound odd but not any odder then when we allow that mean and harsh voice to take over and run roughshod over our feelings and love we have for ourselves.
AND
It made the biggest difference. I was still sad but I wasn't sad about myself. I knew I mattered because I mattered to ME.
Take that time to let yourself know you matter. Let the voice when you are sad or hurt be what you would tell other people if they came to you and were hurting. We would never tell others the things we allow us to tell ourselves. Because YOU belong and matter when YOU tell yourself that you do.
No comments:
Post a Comment