Ponderous Simplicity

Life is a never-ending pool of experiences to learn from. The best thing we can do is try to learn from each experience we have.

#1 - We often live as if life is all about us though it rarely is.
In high school I had a bumper stick that said "Its All About Me." I only had it because I thought it was funny. But there was some truth to it, even to this day. I live too often inside my head, which means I see life and my experiences and interactions with others only in relation to myself. Which computes to seeing others' actions as having something to do with me, when in most cases they have nothing to do with me. The key is to strive to understand what is going on within ourselves (focusing inward), and focusing on others simply as themselves, completely separate from us (focusing outward). Think about only them and what might be happening for them, without connecting it to yourself at all.

#2 - Life gives all of us struggles that seem more than we can bear
No one is exempt and everyone's own personal struggle feels like an extreme burden to them. Use this for courage and for compassion. Courage when you may feel overwhelmed by your struggle and compassion to seek to reach out to others when you are struggling. One lesson I've been reminded of again and again is that my struggle(s) feel a little easier when I reach out to someone else.

#3 - Asking for complete honesty can be brutal, but worth it
Honesty can hurt, which may be why the "white lie" was invented. Sometimes we may feel living in a bit of fantasy world is better than really knowing the truth. But in my experience, though I've been told some extremely hard things to hear, that hurt me, I've never been sorry afterwards to really know the truth. To know what that person thought, felt, wanted, etc. That is how you can know where you truly stand and only that way can you stand on a secure foundation in any relationship.

#4 - The hardest time of a trial, grieving or difficulty comes after the first couple of weeks
This is when the pain is still fresh, you are trying to move on, and everyone has gone back to their own lives. The first couple of weeks people call, text or talk to you about how you are. They check in or drop by. They bring things. But then they go back to their lives, which is not a criticism. Just next time someone close to you or not close to you is struggling or has experienced some kind of loss - remember them in the time after that initial thought or kind gesture. Check in with them and see how they are - don't forget them or their pain - it only takes a little bit of your time but makes a big difference.

#5 - Let yourself love and care deeply
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
~ C.S. Lewis

#6 - Busy-ness is not a badge of honor
Being busy gives us a sense of purpose and also something we don't have to invest in too deeply. We often use busy-ness to avoiding having to feel and be vulnerable. Don't be too busy to love and connect deeply with people. We all have responsibilities - there is no denying that - but there is a balance to be had to really live. Connecting with others is what makes life meaningful, encourages personal growth, and creates a real love.

#7 - Just be with someone when they share something with you
Giving unsolicited advice, trying to "fix" the problem, or remove the pain when someone shares something difficult is mainly because we are scared of their emotion(s). We don't like to feel whatever they are feeling, so if we can just "fix" it then we don't have to feel uncomfortable anymore. Don't be scared - sit with them in the emotion - feel with them and be with them. This is empathy and is truly soul stretching and defining. It allows for connection on a truly deep level and lets others know that you really do care.

#8 - Be honest to yourself and to others
Most of us are not honest ALL of the time, though perhaps a number of us try to be. Often the person we are most dishonest with though is ourself, especially when it comes to things we struggle with. Yet honesty within ourselves and with others creates the possibility of greater connection, support and growth. Honestly look at the things you struggle with, that you don't like, that you wish were different. Not to beat yourself up, feel sorry or have a pity party, but to acknowledge they exist and are part of who you are. This actually lessens their power rather than giving them more. And we can only truly connect with others when we are honest or vulnerable about who we really are.

#9 - Never be afraid to hear a different point of view
Different opinions, beliefs, and values are part of what creates equality. Too often society would have us believe equality is sameness but if you remember in the Book of Mormon the times it states they had true equality is because every man was free to believe as he chose. Don't feel threatened when someone else believes or understands differently than you. Listen, engage, ask questions to try to truly understand where they come from. This will enhance your knowledge and also ability to connect with others and to live with kindness. Respect doesn't mean agreement - it means that we feel secure in our own beliefs. Often when we feel the need to attack or not listen to someone else's view it is because we are not secure in our own so we feel threatened.

#10 - Don't let designations and labels define you
We use labels in society to create distance between us and someone else. Or to categorize them a specific way. The problem with labels is stereotypes are their twin and they go hand in hand. You really can't have the one without the other. Try to avoid categorizing people with a label you ASSUME describes them. Be open to letting them show or tell you what it means for them or who they are outside of any labels. Labels may keep you "safe" but they will always keep you disconnected.