Ponderous Simplicity

I've had it said to me explicitly

I've seen it in actions, implied implicitly

I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING

Its scary and very damaging because every single one of us have needs and in connection with that we need other people. 

I will admit I'm a recovering "no-needs." I lived a large part of my life not giving any note or attention to my needs. Then I shifted to being more aware and at least recognizing my needs but expecting people to be "mind readers" - meaning I didn't ever want to have to say out loud what my needs were. I will forever be grateful for the time I volunteered at the women's shelter and a couple of awesome women I worked with. They taught me to recognize, understand and express needs. 

Since that time I've spent alot of time thinking about needs and had a great desire to share what I learned with others because it is so damaging as it undermines every type of relationship and also hurts us individually. We don't understand how to have our needs met or to help meet others needs and this eats away at the very foundation of what human life should be about.

So lets talk about where the belief may come from and how we can change things for ourselves and to benefit society, personal interactions and our relationships.

Our Mask of Perfection

 Trying to project a life of perfection leaves no room for needs because if we are perfect (as we work so hard to project) then we don't have any needs. And if we have such a thing as needs (picture gingerly picking up a dirty sock by two fingers) then they are all being met, thank you very much. So not only do we kill ourselves trying to project this perfection, we systematically ignore the very things we need to function the best we can, to learn and grow and to really be authentic. 

Needs Are All About Vulnerability...

...and society teaches us to avoid vulnerability like the plague. Expressing what we need places us in vulnerability. There is no way around it and no ifs, ands or buts about it. Asking for what we need places us in a position that we may be disappointed. If only expressing our needs meant they would be met - sadly I will break the news to you - it doesn't. 

You may be thinking, then why would I ever express them if it requires me to feel vulnerable AND they might not even get met?!?!

Well because they NEVER will if you don't express them. 

It helps you to know where the people are at in your life. YOU will know what your needs are, which helps you to understand yourself, how your life experiences have shaped you and to begin to recognize your UNHEALTHY coping skills. Because when your needs aren't being met, you must employ something to help you make it through. But its like drinking salt water when you are thirsty - it may seem to help for a SHORT period but ultimately doesn't help and even makes it worse. 

Above all it creates the POSSIBILITY of connection. Vulnerability is what allows us to create deep, strong connected relationships. 

Being Aware of Needs Asks Something Of You

Needs are two sided when talking about any kind of relationship. Meaning it is important for both people to strive to be aware of their needs and create a safe place to share them and strive to meet them. 

This is scary for people. This in fact is the biggest thing I've heard people say - "If I know what the expectations (needs) are then I have a responsibility and maybe I don't want that. I can't always do it so then they would be disappointed."

Am I the only one that is like, "Um, really?!" 

What kind of life and society are we continuing to perpetuate/create by not being willing to engage fully with others because we don't want any responsibility towards them? 

When there is an open dialogue about the needs of both people, part of that dialogue and awareness is that neither person is perfect meaning it isn't about being everything all the time. But it is surprising what an honest and sincere effort does in a relationship especially when both are committed to that. This also helps both to set appropriate boundaries that are respected and a foundational part of the relationship.

Sometimes you CAN'T do what they need - that is a needful and necessary part of life to recognize that just as it is by being willing and able to say when you can't. When both of you are expressing needs and giving sincere effort there is a space created to be able to say - I'm sorry I can't do this or I need this tonight but here is what I can do.

And other times it simply means you put aside yourself for a few brief moments - it doesn't mean you ignore your needs - as they will be expressed to - but that we strive for selflessness. Selflessness does not mean an ignoring of ourselves, but a recognition that part of life and relationships is putting someone at the forefront for a time. 

Relationships are the strongest when there is a balance of give and take on both sides. At some point one might need more than the other, but that balance always shifts when the needs are being met. 

Misapplication of Doctrine

2 Nephi 4:34 says: "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm."

I think this scripture and others similar have been misapplied to mean we shouldn't need people. That needing people is "putting our trust in the arm of the flesh." If we weren't to need people I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father would have created the dynamics of our world much differently.

When Alma is talking to the crowd asking them if they are ready to be baptized he says they are to be willing to "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort," which means part of being a member of the church is to need other people. Since if no one needed anyone else there would be no need to mourn with anyone or offer comfort to anyone. 

Part of our mortal journey is to learn how to be there for others and to learn how to accept help from others. Doing that adds an element of learning and growth for us. Often times the Lord answers prayers - which are often an expression of need - through other people. He wants us to learn how to recognize and respond to needs. 

Of course ultimately, others cannot save us or do things for us that can only be done through the Savior and His Atonement but much of what we need in this life can be given or at least supplemented by people around us. We must always rely on the Lord but not to the point where we close ourselves off to expressing needs to others and being willing to help meet needs. 

We often are willing to meet needs around us in a removed capacity - the neighbor that needs some yard work done or the ward member that is moving and needs some help but are unwilling to engage with those we have a closer or more daily relationship. Yet those are the relationships and interactions that have the most purifying potential because they will ask more of us. 

My parting words are 

Where do you start?

First, ask yourself what your needs are? Do you know? Identify what they are. Let go of the projection of perfection. No one is perfect - so just STOP IT. 

Second, identify those people in your life (family, spouse, friends, etc.) where needs play a vital part in a strong, healthy relationship. 

Third, have a conversation. Don't be afraid to start small - perhaps only expressing one need. Ask the other person to do the same. When both people in a relationship are vulnerable together it creates a safety bubble around both of your where the vulnerability doesn't seem or feel as scary. 

It will be hard at first as anything new is. It won't feel comfortable or fun. But if both people willingly engage, the relationship will be strengthened beyond what you know or have experienced.