Ponderous Simplicity

By my ripe old age I had thought I would have my life figured out at this point. I would not only know "what I wanted to be when I grew up" but would BE there! I would make great plans, follow those plans and everything would work out nicely and neatly (can you tell I have a SLIGHT preference for order and control?). There has only been one small hiccup in my planning - that moment in my life when I decided that I would trust the Lord to direct my life, because hey, I'm SURE His plans must be the same as mine.

Insert hysterical laughing

Needless to say, none of my plans have come to fruition and I find myself looking at my life thinking, "What the...!!! THIS is not where I wanted to be!" Not only have things not ended up as I planned but even sometimes as I think I wanted at least at the time. But I guess this is why we have this wonderful thing called faith.

Anyway, just over a week ago I moved to a new place. It all happened in a whirlwind and I packed, moved, cleaned, and unpacked more quickly than I ever have. It was a crazy weekend. It seems when I'm like, "Ok Heavenly Father, I'm ready to go" He says, "Now hold on just a minute. It isn't time yet." Then when I actually have some patience and sit back to wait, He suddenly yells, "GO! GO! GO!"

I like change though (most of the time at least I tolerate it :P) and so I'm really enjoying my new place. It is a bit of a change from where I've been living for the past 2 1/2 years. It is a small 2 bedroom place and I only have one other roommate. So the difference in quietness and cleanliness make me REALLY happy! I'm also now in south Orem so only a few minutes from my work. My challenge now is to push myself to get involved in my new ward and meet new people (never something I love - I love people but don't love that initially effort it takes to meet new people and make friends).

Because things haven't worked out as planned and the goals I thought I would be working together aren't working out, I now have to set other goals in order to have something to work towards. The last several months I trained for a half marathon but now that I accomplished that goal I need something else!

So I'm going to share with you my next two goals - the first is to train for and complete a triathlon. The running and biking parts shouldn't be too difficult though doing them consecutively will be a challenge but my biggest challenge will be swimming! I have never really learned how to swim and as a friend told me while observing my "swimming" - "You look like you are drowning," I know the swimming part is going to take a bit of work. But I'm committed! So I'm looking for a swim coach and now working towards making this goal happen.

My other goal, which was suggested to my by an institute teacher I greatly admire, is to write my personal history. This one makes me laugh a little because I don't think my life interesting enough to record, but as she said - we've been commanded to do it! So for the "few" lucky people who actually read this blog, I intend to post my personal history here as I write it - hopefully to keep me motivated and it is just as easy to record something here.

So here's to the next two goals and having something to work towards, even if it wasn't what I planned!

I love analogies - most often in the form of simile but not always. I haven't always know I loved analogies. In fact it was just this week I realized how much I love them and how often I use them. I love them mainly because when used appropriately, correctly, and with proper application they provide another dimension or way to look at, understand or compare something. I think I realized my fondness for them because in teaching the domestic violence class on Wednesday I used ALOT of analogies. I do this because each person's experience and level of understanding is different and so to make something clearer I can only do that by comparing it to something else. Maybe I've also been thinking about it more because I've been reading Jesus the Christ again and there is much discussion in there of parables and their application and uses and to me, a parable is just an extended analogy. Which means if Christ used them often they must be great teaching tools!

I give this whole explanation though, not because I am suggesting you run out and use analogies all the time, though that wouldn't be a bad idea. But rather as a preface to some insight I received this week in the form of an analogy! (Analogies are like opening a box of chocolates, biting into one, and finding a GOOD tasting filling inside!) Anyway, on Sunday during Fast and Testimony meeting I was pondering the things that were being said and also the current stage of my life. I feel like I'm in a waiting stage where the Lord has told me something is coming but I don't know what or when so I just have to wait on the Lord. This is not easy for me because I like to plan things, move forward with the plan, and get things done!! So as it were I chafe at the bit a little bit :D But during the meeting the following thought came to me -

My life is a puzzle always in the process of being put together. When I'm impatient it is like I'm grabbing one of those 10 piece puzzles and exclaiming - "Look, I know how this goes together can I just put it together already!?!" To which the Lord replies - "Well, you can if you want but I have this beautiful 1000 piece puzzle that has amazing detail and beauty that you can't find in that 10 piece puzzle, but it will take some time to put together and you won't be able to see the full picture until nearly the end. And in fact you won't even be able to clearly see the arranging of the pieces and how it is going to fit all together but I promise it will."

So I have to ask myself - do I want the 10 piece puzzle or the 1000 piece puzzle. I want the 1000 piece one of course!! So I continue to wait, praying that the Lord guides me so the pieces end up where  they need to, to all come together. It reminds me of what a wise Institute teacher said about the Prophet Joseph Smith and the whole Restoration. 100 of years before the events actually took place, things were happening in order to make it possible for the Restoration to take place. For example, this land being preserved and then later found, having it be a land of religious freedom, etc., etc. Who knew way back then that those things were vital parts in the piece of the puzzle to make the Restoration possible.

I also was thinking about the puzzle pieces because again while sitting in Sacrament meeting I could look back and see how for my half marathon training and race there had been many tender mercies from the Lord. But it wasn't until after the race that I could see how they all came together to illustrate the Lord was aware of me and things do fall into place once the pieces are in place. So while all of that happened rather quickly (a few months rather than a couple of years) it reminded me that things do fall into place when they are right. And that something as seemingly small as running a race, the Lord let me know He was there, is aware of me, and does bless me in things that are important to me.

Ultimately, I can take a small step back realizing that if I want the beauty of a 1000 piece puzzle I have to be willing to wait for it and trust that the Lord is doing and helping me do the arranging that will make it possible even if I can't see it!

Tomorrow I turn 30 and I'm still ambivalent about it. I'm ambivalent for a few reasons - first, because physically I don't really feel 30 as in I don't feel that much different from when I was 21 or so. 30 is also an interesting age given the cultural context that I live in - meaning that as a single adult who is Mormon, 30 is the "grandma" of young single adulthood. And living in a ward where the average age is probably 24, does make me feel a little old :P

The biggest reason though that I feel ambivalent is because where I'm at in my life right now is not at all what I envisioned when I thought ahead to 30. Things a like marriage and a family seemed for sure when I was in my early 20's. And to now hit 30 without that having happened is sometimes a little difficult to accept AND be happy/fine with. In conjunction, I thought where I would be with a career and what area I would be working in would be much different.than it is currently. When I started working at my job it was simply a job to work at that was flexible and allowed me to go to school with some ease. It has never been what I've wanted to do long-term and there have been times I haven't even enjoyed my job. When I started my masters degree I thought I had found my "dream career." But the Lord had other plans and after completing a year of my masters degree it was made clear I wasn't supposed to continue. That of course took some time to accept and even today I sometimes wonder why.

So I've spent the last several weeks pondering my life and how I feel about it. And after a bit of pondering I came to some conclusions and decisions. And I wanted to share them with you!

#1 - Life never turns out how we expect and often plan. And I've found this to be the case even more when I strive to follow the Lord's will. I most often think I know what is best for me and definitely have set in my mind the things I want. But ultimately I always return to the truth that the Lord knows me better than I even know myself and He also sees the entire picture. And because of this I want to do His will even though it isn't what I had planned and even at the time think I want. But I appreciate that the Lord, in time, if we seek will reveal to us the reason for things. Sometimes that does take alot of patience though. An example of both situations -

First, when it comes to not completing my masters degree and staying at my current job, even now I can see some efficacy in doing that. With the economy as it is, I was not guaranteed of being able to find a good job as a therapist that would allow me to pay back my school debt and support myself. However, my current job is extremely secure and allows me to easily support myself. This is a blessing in economic uncertainty and in addition my job is not stressful, which can be a great thing for me because I stress myself out enough as it is :) Thus, by striving to follow the Lord's plan, though it isn't always easy I have been blessed and will continue to be blessed in the future.

On the other hand - not being married yet has not revealed itself so clearly or at all :P I don't know why exactly I haven't had the opportunity yet especially because for most of my 20's it was one of the highest things on my list of things I did want. I only say that because I know sometimes people don't want to get married or want to get married later - that has never been me :) So I continue to wait to see why it is that it hasn't happened yet and I must continue to trust that the Lord has a plan and knows best.

#2 - You will miss out on happiness and joy if you are always waiting for certain things to happen that you want. Like with marriage - sometimes it is hard not to fall into the thinking error - "Well when I finally meet someone and get married, then I will feel ______ or be happy." This thinking error causes great discouragement and dissatisfaction with your life. For the grass will ALWAYS appear greener somewhere else if we wear those glasses. And we can also be unhappy if we aren't really willing to let go of what we want and put it fully into the Lord's hands. It makes me think of the Brother of Jared after they had prepared the barges with everything, got on them and they "commended themselves unto the Lord." They did everything they could to prepare, stepped in and then trusted the Lord would take care of them from there. The Lord does have our best interest at heart - His whole work and glory is to bring to pass our immortality and eternal life. It isn't just a side job or hobby.

#3 - Striving to do the right things and live with Christ as the center of your life does not in anyway guarantee an easiness of the way or even a life without difficulty. In fact, it often appears to be the opposite - the harder you try to live the right way the more opposition you will face from both the adversary but also just because we live in a fallen world. The combination of these things makes it so our journey will NEVER be easy - but it can be worth it especially if we look at the battle, put on the armor, but then wade into the battle knowing we will make it through but will receive many wounds, dents and dings in our armor, and may even sometimes be so overcome we fall for a time. But like the stripling warriors we can all make it through - even if we do fall from loss of blood.

#4 - And now last but not least - gratitude makes a world of difference and we can always feel fulfilled when we are truly grateful. Fulfillment doesn't come from having everything you want but being grateful for what you do have.

Those are a few things I've been reminded of or taught the last few weeks. So here's to a great year of being 30!!

Its no secret - I'm a people person. I like people and I like interacting and being around people. So given the importance I place on people, relationships of all kind are very important to me. And since I'm not married, friendships have the most focus and analysis. Over the last several months, after much pondering I've come to the conclusion that true friendship is fast vanishing. Let me share my thoughts :)

My first thought is that building strong close relationships is great practice for marriage. Obviously, there are certain things reserved only for marriage and that you can only experience within marriage. However, forming close emotional ties and being able to focus on the welfare, struggles and concerns of someone else need not only happen in marriage. And in fact, I think one of the largest contributing factors to the high divorce rate is that so many couples go into marriage having no idea how to focus on someone other than themselves. And as President Hinckley said -"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of ones companion." And that is what I think it comes down to - anxious concern for another person.

So since I'm an English major lets break this down: the definitions that apply for anxious are #1 - earnestly desirous; eager #2 - attended with or showing solicitude. The definition for concern is #1 - to relate to; be connected with; be of interest or importance to; affect. Basically then, you are you want or desire earnestly to relate to, connect with, and show your interest in the other person. Should this anxious concern only be reserved for marriage?

After much pondering and deliberation the personal answer I've come to is no. I think encompassed in this concept President Hinckley is talking about is charity - the pure love of Christ. I think you could say charity = the anxious concern for another. In looking at the definition that is what Christ does/has done for each of us. He is earnestly desirous that we succeed in this life and through other people and His many tender mercies he shows that He relates to us, is connected with us, and that we are of interest and importance to Him. And last time I checked, the scriptures and the principles of the gospel don't reserve charity only for marriage.

Charity is about three things though - saying, doing, and being. Just as with the gospel - we don't believe by just saying we accept Christ that we are saved - there is action required. We say we love the Lord, but then we must go and do, which helps us to become. The same applies to any type of relationship - saying "I love you or I care about you" only means so much. As the famous saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." I show the Lord I love Him by following what His commandments, striving to become like Him, serving others, etc. I show people that I love or care for them by and anxious concern for them - what is going on in their lives, anything I can do to share a little cheer on a bad day, or something I can do that makes life easier for them. This helps me become a better person, and also enables me to truly love them - because as the scripture says -"How can a man know (love) a master whom he has not served."

Thus, this doesn't come down to personality differences. That is the things I've probably heard the most - "Oh that is just your personality." I suppose it can be a personality thing - but it should be a personality trait we are all striving for them since we are all trying to become like the Savior. We may not exhibit it in EXACTLY the same way, but "anxious concern" is simply looking out for someone else - how they are feeling, what is going on with them, what they might need help with, then DOING something about it. Not fixing things for them but showing your concern and support when there isn't anything else you could really do. But sometimes there are things you can do to make a difference - are you looking for those opportunities?

So the question becomes - why is friendship in this form vanishing so fast? The main reason I see is selfishness, which is the care and concern mainly or primarily for or about oneself. I think this goes on very subtly that often we don't even recognize it. But think of a relationship that is important to you - when was the last time you were anxiously concerned about this person - and what did you do about it? This anxious concern for other people requires a bit of effort. It requires us to look outside ourselves and make someone else's needs as important (notice I didn't say more important)as our own. It also makes us more vulnerable - a state or feeling most of us despise. Because the more deeply you love or care about someone the more power they have to hurt you. And that can be a very scary thought.

A quick example - yesterday at Church I had to leave Relief Society early because I had a Stake meeting to go to. I didn't tell anyone why I was leaving early because the lesson had started. So I just got up quietly and left as silently as possible. My friend Megan sent me a text later that afternoon, joking that hopefully I had gone to get doughnuts or something equally fabulous. Of course, given it was the Sabbath I had not gone to get doughnuts or anything but I appreciated her #1 - Noticing I had left and #2 - Showing that anxious concern as to why I left because I don't usually leave any Church meeting and I do enjoy RS. Then later in the day because we had not had any time to chat and I had hoped to talk to her at Ward Prayer to see what had been going on with her the last week, she knew that Ward Prayer is often a time we chat so she kindly sent me a text telling me she wasn't going to be there. Did she have to do either of these things? Of course not. I wouldn't have been severely scarred or anything but it shows that anxious concern for someone else and it is one of the things I most appreciate about her. She lets me know she cares by those little things - she doesn't just say she is my friend she SHOWS it.

Ultimately, I feel to truly become like the Savior requires that we work to establish this type of anxious concern across all our relationships - familial, romantic, and friendship. I think as we don't just give lip service to the doctrine of charity, our relationships will begin to be transformed - we will not only feel better about ourselves (remember as is said - when you serve others it almost always helps you to feel better about yourself) but we will also have stronger relationships. Charity has a way of expanding our souls and making everything seem a little better - isn't this what we all want?

So last Thursday, we had a ward Lagoon day. After much pondering I decided I really did want to go even if I had to take time off work (and use my precious PTO). I've always loved Lagoon and have enjoyed going to few times I have. I will be honest I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone. Given my age now, I've come to know what kinds of rides I really do enjoy and those I don't particularly.

and I figured that was similar.

This year I let myself be talked into riding on Wicked. Lets just say that rarely can I be talked int something. That says alot for the people I was with :P However, I was "pleasantly" surprised when the ride started that it wasn't a slow climb and a sudden drop as I had thought but rather you speed up the incline and then down as well. Thus, no feeling of anticipation because it all happens so fast. So it was favorite ride but I did agree to go on it again.

One thing I've pondered on a semi-regular basis is my strengths and weaknesses. Thus, I would like to share some insights/thoughts I've had in my pondering on this topic.

The first is that we can only understand strengths and weaknesses because of each other - meaning opposition in all things. To me this means that there must be opposition even with those things we considered strengths. In my experience, this has led me to believe that this opposition doesn't come when something happens that allows us to illustrate that strength because if it is a strength in that way then how can it really be tested?

This idea is how I see there being opposition in all things in regards to strengths and weaknesses. Having a characteristic or attribute that is a strength but within that strength is encompassed a weakness allows for true opposition. I have also come to believe that weaknesses and strengths being encompassed together is what allows for real growth. Part of this is because we are not completely removing a characteristic or attribute I think we gained or developed before we came here or during our life here but rather tweaking it. Sometimes when I'm struggling with a relationship I want to just "get rid" of my analytic mind - to do away with that attribute. But I don't because I appreciate the benefit it has been and continues to be in other areas of my life. So I continue to work on the area where it is a weakness.

Something else I've found interesting and am still pondering is a couple of scriptures from the Book of Mormon. Ether 12:28 reads: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them." I've noticed this is one of the most misread scriptures in all of scripturedom - except for hard to pronounce names like Achaemenid or something. Too often the scripture is read "...I will show unto them their weaknessES." However, that is not how the text reads - it is weakness. This seems to imply that the Lord didn't give each of us a list of weaknesses to overcome - we are to overcome one thing, which the scriptures collaborate - the natural man. That is our weakness. These mortal bodies no matter how wonderful, were created in a fallen state. Now the natural man of course exhibits a variety of weaknesses that differ from person to person, but the over concept is that we have ONE weakness - the natural man or our fallen state.

*Obviously some if not most of this is my interpretation of gospel principles - which means YOURS could be totally different. Hopefully it will bring about some pondering of your own*

First, if you are not aware of the flood of criticism directed towards President Packer and his remarks from General Conference just over a week ago, do a quick Google search :) As a long standing member of the Church I want to address and discuss the hailstorm of activity and criticism that has descended. I will strive to do so respectfully and request the same of anyone that responds to this post.

The initial thing I want to address is President Packer's calling homosexuality wrong. That in my mind is where the criticism is really coming from - that he openly called it immoral and wrong. The other issue of course is that he mentioned change, which also causes a lot of tempers to flare because the gay community does not feel it is something that can be changed. The issue I have with the outrage towards President Packer calling homosexuality wrong stems from the whole Catch-22 I discussed in my previous blog post. The gay community undermines their whole platform when they demand that people "accept" what they are doing as right and believe as they do. How is it fair that someone can have the belief that homosexuality isn't wrong and want their belief in that to be accepted, when my belief that it is wrong isn't accepted. It is the problem with moral relativity. We live in the age of moral relativity - meaning that society states there is no moral foundation - no set principles that can be applied to everyone. Morality is what YOU make it because we live in a subjective world. However, if you argue against moral relativity you are seen as closed minded. But wait a minute - didn't the whole premise of moral relativity just say that every one could believe as they saw fit in regards to morals?

Saying that something in wrong is not HATEFUL. Tell me how a disagreement of opinions is hateful? If you disagree and act in a way that shows hate then of course you are being hateful, but simply disagreeing is not hateful. This is the second issues where the gay community cried foul. The statement was that President Packer's remarks would increase the possibility of suicides among gay members of the Church. I don't see this as being any different than any other stance the Church takes on moral issues. I don't see them being the cause of others suicides. In the other areas of morality the Church does say things like abortion, pre-marital sex, pornography, etc. are all morally wrong.

It might be said though, that in saying it is wrong, that members of the Church that identify as gay, feel as if they are being ostracized for something that they feel they have no control over. But this is where another issues arises. The Church takes a firm stand that we as human beings have choice - that we have the ability to act and not be acted upon. Which means any feelings or desires can and must be controlled by self-control. People have the desire for physical intimacy but church doctrine instructs that it is only to be had within the bonds of marriage. What does that require? Self control. I may desire it, want, and feel like it is good, but I can still choose to wait. I have the choice. The same applies to same-sex attraction. I may be attracted to those of the same gender - but I can choose what I do with that. I can choose to live a life according to the principles of the gospel. I have access to the Atonement, which makes all things possible to bear.

Thus, the Church's position, and what President Packer was simply reiterating was the ability EVERYONE has to choose what one will do with the temptations, feelings and desires one has. The Church extends love and support to those of the gay community, but has the right to say homosexuality is wrong.

This brings me to my last issue - The Church will never change its position on homosexuality and gay marriage. Why? Because as has been said it undermines the very doctrine of the family. Perhaps this needs to be explained in a bigger picture though. Church doctrine establishes that the purpose of this life is to come to earth and work out our salvation and exaltation. This means learning and growing through temptation and sin. But if we are faithful, through the Atonement of Christ we have the opportunity to become as God is. Meaning exaltation is to become as God and do what He does. Doctrine establishes that this means to have our own worlds, spirit children and family. This requires a MAN and a WOMAN to be married to procreate and populate their worlds. I'm afraid to say that homosexuality does not allow that to be possible. There can be no procreation between those of the same gender. Thus, homosexuality completely undermines the doctrine the Church has on the family with not only earthly but eternal significance. That is why the Church will not change its position on homosexuality.

Lastly, I just wish to reiterate that disagreement does not equal hate. I do not hate anyone regardless of what they believe and live. I may disagree with how they live their life, but they most likely disagree with how I live mine. Isn't this "free" land about being able to believe what we each individually see fit? I raised my hand during General Conference to sustain all of the leaders of the Church and with that sustaining I was giving the indication that they have my 100% support. I support what President Packer said and would hope that those who disagree can do so in a respectful manner just as the Church has shown its disagreement in a respectful manner.