Ponderous Simplicity

Challenging discussions are great, in my mind, because they make you really look at where you stand. And the only way you can be secure in where you are standing is by being aware of why you stand there.

Last night I had a great discussion with my friend and her husband who I had gone to visit. You know the joke that you should avoid religion and politics if you want to have a polite discussion?

Nah! Avoiding those topics are for sissies :P So we jumped right in and and a good discussion, which gave me alot to think about.

I really feel there are some heavy misconceptions of what it means to defend our faith and how we really do that.

 I have a firm testimony and knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ and specifically in the gospel as taught and outlined by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Though I grew up in the Church I had a falling away period, which then gave me the opportunity to really come to know for myself - outside of family, culture and and other pressure. I believe there is right and wrong and absolute truths. But I also confess to not knowing the meaning of all things - I cannot always explain why some things are the way that they are, when juxtaposed against absolute truths I wholeheartedly believe in.

For example, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World it states, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose." I believe gender is eternal, but I can also freely admit to not understanding then why life and who they are for those that are transgendered, is the way that it is. I cannot dismiss them as simply being confused or brainwashed - having interacted with a number of transgendered individuals, I have witnessed the difficulty and confusion.

Thus, I can stand and/or defend my beliefs without condemning people simply because I have no right to condemn anyone. Christ will be the judge because He can judge perfectly and knows the thoughts, intents, desires, and experiences of each of us. And this is where I think much confusing arises in "defending" our beliefs - defending is not EVER about attacking. Any time contention is present, the "defense" has gone contrary to what the Lord would have us do as His disciples. I can say that since in the scriptures it clearly states, "...he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil... (3 Ne 11:29).

Its also not about proving the other person wrong. Do we think they are in the wrong? Of course, we wouldn't need to defend our beliefs if that weren't the case. The problem is, THEY think they are in the right. So if both people go in with the attitude or belief of proving the other person wrong, contention will inevitably arise. Doing that also makes it about us - it makes US the attempted teacher, which in  the Church we know is not the case. If someone is to ever listen and be touched by what is said, the spirit MUST be present.

Thus, it is about calmly stating what we personally believe and know, this allows the spirit to be there, and if someone's heart is going to be touched it can then happen. Doesn't mean it will since everyone is in a different place and are seeking different things. In acting this way we can also have the spirit with us to guide us what to say since sometimes speaking specifically about something, or in a certain way is what that person needs at that moment. But we will not know that of ourselves.

THAT is defending our beliefs.

Too often as members of the truth we act as if we have the monopoly on goodness and truth. I want to use an analogy to illustrate what I see happening far too often.

Consider that truth and the way to eternal life is a big lake. The gospel and Church is A boat or way we partake in the truth and the means to keep us connected to and "afloat" atop the truth. But members of the Church aren't going to be the only ones on the lake. There will be large numbers of other people with different types of boats also on the lake.

Now imagine the scenario, where two boats draw close together and the occupants of the different boats proceed to try and convince the other occupants why THEIR boat isn't float-worthy. It would end up with upset feelings on both sides, and neither would be any closer to accepting the other as right. What is even more unhelpful is that if we as members of the church think we should be able to tell the other boat's occupants why their boat is not good, shouldn't be on the lake, etc. and then *GASP* in horror when they don't immediately abandon their boat and jump into ours, but rather start pointing out why we should get in THEIR boat. Or we grab our paddles and try and bash them in the head, make a hole in their boat and hotly say, "You shouldn't be on this lake." Seems so silly when stated in those terms, yet too often we act that way in "defending" our beliefs.

The thing is, the different people on the lake are going to come from a wide variety in background, beliefs, and current state in their life. Even people who SIN (oh my goodness!!) will be on the lake. But given that we ALL sin, that shouldn't be a surprise. There will be those that believe things against what we believe and/or what we call wrong. I say this because if we think about what will occur during the Millenium this fits. The only people that will be burned at the Second Coming are the "wicked." I put that in quotations because wicked DOES NOT equal sinful. We are all sinful - the state of the world during the Millenium will be a Terrestrial state. This means all people that truly worked to make the world a better place, and tried hard to be good people will be on the earth. There are certain parameters that will govern things, i.e. Christ will reign and be the Ruler but as far as how it will work for all of us during that time, we don't know. But it won't only be members of the Church. And thankfully at that time, Christ will get to figure out where justice and mercy is to be applied in all of our cases.

So.............

Stand for and defend your beliefs by stating and testifying of what you know.

Avoid trying to prove anyone wrong or pointing out the faults of others.

Listen to others beliefs and positions just as you want them to listen to yours

Focus personally on coming closer to Christ....

....not pointing out to others how you think they should be doing this

Don't attack anyone or feel like you have to have all the answers

In the end sometimes it simply comes down to faith - we do what we do because we have faith in our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, in His perfect plan, that the Prophet is His mouthpiece and that He loves His children but we can't always explain why things are the way they are.

This morning as I drove to work, the scripture in Nephi from Nephi kept running through my mind and I thought: I don't know the meaning of all things but I too know that Heavenly Father loves His children. I hold on to this when there are things I don't understand - that even though I can't understand why something is the way it is, above all else I KNOW that He loves me and all of us.

Its sad when anyone is excommunicated - it doesn't matter who you are. Personally I've thought alot about what Kate Kelly must be feeling and facing but I've thought even MORE about the issues surrounding Ordain Women and her excommunication. After reading numerous articles and hearing many, many opinions, I felt it was time to throw my thoughts into the mix.

First, its not about asking questions.

Kelly stated several times in interviews that the Church was punishing her for asking questions and that the Church is stating it isn't ok to ask questions. If you are going into a discussion with your mind already made up about what the answer SHOULD be, then you aren't really questioning. Questioning indicates an openness to whatever the answer is. I think about what if Joseph Smith had done to the Sacred Grove and instead of asking, WHICH church was true - indicating an openness to whatever answer was given - he had prayed THIS (insert whatever religion he might have chosen) church is true, having already decided specifically in his mind what he thought God's answer would be. Pretty sure the outcome would have been different and Joseph Smith wouldn't have been the prophet we know.

Thus, the issue isn't with Kelly asking the question. The Church didn't discourage her when she first asked - it became an issue when it stopped being about asking and began being about demanding - the ONLY answer that was right was that women be ordained to the priesthood.

So as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, ask questions. Ask lots of them but with an open mind as to what the answer will be.

Another issue that has bothered me is some comments I've seen that indicate the prophet hasn't prayed about this issue and is simply ignoring the requests or questions. The problem with this line of thought is that it gives rise to a bigger underlying issue. The question really becomes - Is this the Lord's church? Does He guide this church? Is His promise true that He will never allow the prophet to go contrary to His will? If the answers are yes to these questions, then I'm sure President Monson has prayerfully talked with the Lord about this issue and knows confidently His will. That leads us then to the above problem - it becomes not about questioning but demanding and stubbornly holding to the line that unless women are ordained the prophet must not be asking.

My last thoughts are about the priesthood itself. Too often it is like we picture the priesthood as a house - beautifully built and maintained. But within the house are only men and that we as women in order to "use" the house or have access to it, we have to go to the door, knock on it, and be allowed entrance. This is NOT the case - both men and women are a part and make up the house. By not HOLDING the priesthood I am not denied any of its blessings. Yep not one blessing am I denied by not holding the priesthood. I enjoy the house as much as any man and can get as many blessings and benefits. I am not unequal in any way. The Lord has not denied me anything by being a woman. My exaltation can be as sure as any person on this earth - male or female. It is all dependent on one thing - the choices I make. The Lord has given me everything I need as a woman to be able to gain that most prized blessing - to live with Him again.

Let us all focus on all the work there is to be done - the feeble knees to be strengthened, the hands we can offer in help, the message there is to be shared that Christ's church is restored on the earth. We are led by a LIVING prophet who guides us according to the Lord's will. The Savior lives and has overcome all things that we may live with Him again. And not only that He loves us beyond what we can comprehend and has all things set to work together for our good as we seek to follow Him. Ask questions when you have them but above that listen to the Lord's chosen servants on the earth for the answer. The Lord has organized the structure of the church so that we may know who to follow to know we follow Him.

Life is a never-ending pool of experiences to learn from. The best thing we can do is try to learn from each experience we have.

#1 - We often live as if life is all about us though it rarely is.
In high school I had a bumper stick that said "Its All About Me." I only had it because I thought it was funny. But there was some truth to it, even to this day. I live too often inside my head, which means I see life and my experiences and interactions with others only in relation to myself. Which computes to seeing others' actions as having something to do with me, when in most cases they have nothing to do with me. The key is to strive to understand what is going on within ourselves (focusing inward), and focusing on others simply as themselves, completely separate from us (focusing outward). Think about only them and what might be happening for them, without connecting it to yourself at all.

#2 - Life gives all of us struggles that seem more than we can bear
No one is exempt and everyone's own personal struggle feels like an extreme burden to them. Use this for courage and for compassion. Courage when you may feel overwhelmed by your struggle and compassion to seek to reach out to others when you are struggling. One lesson I've been reminded of again and again is that my struggle(s) feel a little easier when I reach out to someone else.

#3 - Asking for complete honesty can be brutal, but worth it
Honesty can hurt, which may be why the "white lie" was invented. Sometimes we may feel living in a bit of fantasy world is better than really knowing the truth. But in my experience, though I've been told some extremely hard things to hear, that hurt me, I've never been sorry afterwards to really know the truth. To know what that person thought, felt, wanted, etc. That is how you can know where you truly stand and only that way can you stand on a secure foundation in any relationship.

#4 - The hardest time of a trial, grieving or difficulty comes after the first couple of weeks
This is when the pain is still fresh, you are trying to move on, and everyone has gone back to their own lives. The first couple of weeks people call, text or talk to you about how you are. They check in or drop by. They bring things. But then they go back to their lives, which is not a criticism. Just next time someone close to you or not close to you is struggling or has experienced some kind of loss - remember them in the time after that initial thought or kind gesture. Check in with them and see how they are - don't forget them or their pain - it only takes a little bit of your time but makes a big difference.

#5 - Let yourself love and care deeply
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 
~ C.S. Lewis

#6 - Busy-ness is not a badge of honor
Being busy gives us a sense of purpose and also something we don't have to invest in too deeply. We often use busy-ness to avoiding having to feel and be vulnerable. Don't be too busy to love and connect deeply with people. We all have responsibilities - there is no denying that - but there is a balance to be had to really live. Connecting with others is what makes life meaningful, encourages personal growth, and creates a real love.

#7 - Just be with someone when they share something with you
Giving unsolicited advice, trying to "fix" the problem, or remove the pain when someone shares something difficult is mainly because we are scared of their emotion(s). We don't like to feel whatever they are feeling, so if we can just "fix" it then we don't have to feel uncomfortable anymore. Don't be scared - sit with them in the emotion - feel with them and be with them. This is empathy and is truly soul stretching and defining. It allows for connection on a truly deep level and lets others know that you really do care.

#8 - Be honest to yourself and to others
Most of us are not honest ALL of the time, though perhaps a number of us try to be. Often the person we are most dishonest with though is ourself, especially when it comes to things we struggle with. Yet honesty within ourselves and with others creates the possibility of greater connection, support and growth. Honestly look at the things you struggle with, that you don't like, that you wish were different. Not to beat yourself up, feel sorry or have a pity party, but to acknowledge they exist and are part of who you are. This actually lessens their power rather than giving them more. And we can only truly connect with others when we are honest or vulnerable about who we really are.

#9 - Never be afraid to hear a different point of view
Different opinions, beliefs, and values are part of what creates equality. Too often society would have us believe equality is sameness but if you remember in the Book of Mormon the times it states they had true equality is because every man was free to believe as he chose. Don't feel threatened when someone else believes or understands differently than you. Listen, engage, ask questions to try to truly understand where they come from. This will enhance your knowledge and also ability to connect with others and to live with kindness. Respect doesn't mean agreement - it means that we feel secure in our own beliefs. Often when we feel the need to attack or not listen to someone else's view it is because we are not secure in our own so we feel threatened.

#10 - Don't let designations and labels define you
We use labels in society to create distance between us and someone else. Or to categorize them a specific way. The problem with labels is stereotypes are their twin and they go hand in hand. You really can't have the one without the other. Try to avoid categorizing people with a label you ASSUME describes them. Be open to letting them show or tell you what it means for them or who they are outside of any labels. Labels may keep you "safe" but they will always keep you disconnected.

I will not be bullied

I will not be silent

I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I believe that sexual relations outside of marriage are wrong. I believe there are right and wrong things in this world. Here is a great article that states concisely most of my thoughts on this. And I will continue to stand for my belief of how marriage should be defined. But I will also work for rights such as protection in housing and employment in all relationships.

And those that believe in a broader definition of marriage will continue to fight for that. We each must choose to stand for the beliefs that we have and I would hope each of us stand strong for what we believe. But fighting for what we believe should not ever entail hate or unkindness to anyone. We just need to

STOP IT

S..T..O..P space I...T

Right now my sphere of interaction isn't very big. This is a sad thing to me but currently how my life is. So I don't have many people I interact with on a daily basis where we talk about deep important issues that matter to each of us - some of which we would probably disagree on, both in principle and what is considered right or wrong.

But I want to tell you a bit of story to illustrate my point. I went to UVU to get my undergraduate degree. I loved going there and learned a lot. The biggest and most valuable thing I learned though was how not to feel threatened when someone had beliefs, thoughts and ideas different than my own. Two of the people I most respect in this world are former professors, neither LDS, with who I know we share very different beliefs in a lot of areas. We disagree about what is right or wrong probably in many things even in ways and things we do currently in our lives. But in their classes and since that time (I'm still in contact with both) that has never been a problem.

I remember a particular moment that was kind of the capstone to this learning for me. I was in my Philosophy of Feminism class. It was almost the end of the semester and I went to class on a particular day knowing we were going to be discussing The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I was super nervous and a little afraid of how I thought this class would go. What would be said against the proclamation or about deeply held beliefs I had come to gain for myself?

But the class was awesome and I left feeling amazed and energized.

How? Why?

Definitely not because everything said in the class supported the proclamation or my beliefs - in fact very little was said in support. But the professor created a space of discussion and understanding. A place each of us could express our beliefs and thoughts about it and not feel threatened when someone thought differently.

That class and these two professors both create spaces of understanding and respect. That is what we need in this world. Not name calling. Not unkindness towards those that are different, believe different and fight for what they believe.

So tell your story....tell your experience...but don't project that experience onto everyone else. I DESPISE stereotypes. STOP IT....if you had a bad experience with the LDS Church, or it wasn't your cup of tea, or you disagree with its teachings, that is great. Share what you believe. But don't call names or place your experience onto everyone else. Likewise if your belief is that marriage is between a man and a woman, or you feeling strongly about what is right or wrong, or you know someone who identifies as gay or lesbian treat them as people. People who are trying to live their life the best they can. Show love and kindness. Talk and laugh about things that matter to you and create that space of understanding and respect that you see some things differently.

Teach our children and those in our lives that a difference of belief isn't about hate. Do some people act hateful when confronted with different beliefs.

DEFINITELY

But that isn't because disagreement and belief that certain things are wrong inherently generates hate. It is because people allow themselves to be ruled by fear - fear of what they don't understand.

So teach our children and in our classrooms how to create that space of understanding and respect for a difference of belief. Teach them they will come in contact with people who are not kind for a variety of reasons but that doesn't lessen their worth.

Teach these things instead of teaching that those that believe differently are hateful simply because of a difference in belief. Otherwise as soon as someone declares a difference in belief almost automatically the thought is they must hate me. And that hurts - no one likes to feel hated.

But we can change the suicide rate and help the feelings of self hatred...but not by bullying everyone into the same beliefs. But by teaching how to create that space of understanding and respect.

I hope we can all strive to show love and kindness towards everyone - same beliefs or not. And all of us stand for the beliefs that we do have while being open to hearing what others believe.

This isn't a news flash to anyone - life is hard. We all face challenges, difficulties, unmet expectations, and even hurt and trauma because of other's actions. Sometimes the pain is agonizing and we wonder why it has to be so hard and hurt so much.

I look at the things others face and often wonder how they make it through. Or sometimes I see other people that never seem to face any challenges - but regardless of what I see I know everyone faces challenges - challenges that drive them to their knees, that wrench their heartstrings, and often cause them to feel as if they will break.

I've felt that before - my own unique challenges lately have made me want to just give up when it seemed even my strengths were working against me and causing me heartache and difficulty. I was feeling discouraged....disheartened....weary

It is amazing though what something inspiring can do. I listened to this talk - Christmas and Christ's Invitation to Become as a Little Child and it was as if the weight was lifted and my mind started churning how I would refuse to be beat.

Here are some keys my mind expanded on -

#1 - Become as a little child. Every other aspect I thought of tied to this and how being childlike would help me feel encouraged and strengthened...invincible almost

#2 - Childlike enthusiasm - be enthusiastic. Don't be afraid to be/get really excited. Too often it seems we learn to become afraid of being TOO excited because when we are excited and then things don't work out or we are disappointed - it often feels like a punch in the stomach. And we feel discouraged. But think of the joy - if it has been awhile - remember how being excited made you feel. Everything seemed brighter...expanded...beautiful. It makes me smile just thinking about how excited a child can get and how they just let that enthusiasm flow - it is a spectacular picture.


#3 - Childlike acceptance - enthusiasm comes easier for me but not acceptance and moving on from disappointment. I think of children like ducks - disappointment, embarrassment, insecurity just seem to roll off them like water off a ducks back. When they are disappointed because of something their were wholeheartedly enthusiastic about, they may pause for a moment - you may see a frown or a maybe a little tantrum even. But 5 minutes later they've moved on - on to the next possibility or something else they are enthusiastic about.

I think that I often experience that disappointment, embarrassment, heartache and then decide the only thing to do is plop down, frown, fold my arms, and say I guess I have to stay here. It is as if when those things happen I make and then accept that they are the most important emotions and should overshadow everything else....we get mired in the negative emotion - kind of depressing, right?

Children really have a way of focusing on what matters most and so can we - we did it at one point. I love this video and how it shows us how to use that imagination to notice and take those moments that matter most.

I decided I want to try and live with childlike qualities - those qualities that help and allow me to live with joy but also weather the difficulties and disappointments.

I refused to be beat.